


i grew up here till it all went up in flames

by TheGodWith5Yen



Series: hand me a pen and i'll rewrite the pain [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anakin Skywalker Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Anakin Skywalker Leaves the Jedi Order, Brotherly Affection, Domestic Bliss, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship/Love, Gen, Good Parent Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker are Brothers, Panic Attacks, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGodWith5Yen/pseuds/TheGodWith5Yen
Summary: “Ani, it’s okay,” Obi-Wan whispered, voice as soft of the loving emotions he felt. He hardly called Anakin by his nickname, only when they were being playful with one another when Anakin was a youngling and, when he had grown older, only when he was horribly hurt. It made a breathless chuckle escape his lips. “Breathe my young padawan, breathe.”“They’re going to kick me out of the Order,” Anakin replied, choked out and raw.No question about it, they would kick Anakin out of the Jedi Order. What even was he without being a Jedi? What would he do? At least he had Padmé.-------------------------In which Anakin leaves the Jedi Order, becomes a father, and is apparently the Chosen One after all
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Series: hand me a pen and i'll rewrite the pain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1733653
Comments: 73
Kudos: 652





	1. i don't know how but i'm taller

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I am only on season 2 of clone wars, but I've been wanting to write something like this sooooo here this is! I really love this so far so I hope you guys enjoy! 
> 
> fic title & chapter title is from "Garden Song" by Phoebe Bridgers
> 
> Chapter warning- this begins with Anakin having a panic attack, but ends rather quickly.

It felt like his throat was constricted, that any breath, any word, he could try to force through his throat and into his mouth was ripping along the seams of his larynx, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he was stuck and he couldn’t  _ kriffing breathe _ . He felt a hand on the small of his back, soothing and familiar, calming, emotions that were not his own pressing into his mind, warm and soft and caring and understanding. Anakin blinked his eyes, blinked away the wetness that had long ago spilled onto his cheeks. 

“Ani, it’s okay,” Obi-Wan whispered, voice as soft of the loving emotions he felt. He hardly called Anakin by his nickname, only when they were being playful with one another when Anakin was a youngling and, when he had grown older, only when he was horribly hurt. It made a breathless chuckle escape his lips. “Breathe my young padawan, breathe.”

“They’re going to kick me out of the Order,” Anakin replied, choked out and raw. 

No question about it, they would kick Anakin out of the Jedi Order. What even was he without being a Jedi? What would he do? At least he had Padmé. He had Padmé. His sweet, loving, caring, wonderful, beautiful, strong, understanding wife. His wife. He had Padmé, he had her, he had his wife. Even if he had nothing, he had her and her love- bright and shining and so strong it made Anakin lose his breath every time he felt it permeate into the air and into his bones. He breathed out, a beat passed, he breathed in. Obi-Wan’s hand on his back, rubbing calming circles and radiating his calming emotions helped ground him. 

“They’re going to kick me out, aren’t they?” Anakin asked quietly as he felt the panic attack begin to fade away. His fingers were still numb, and his vision still made him feel like he was viewing everything from a far away holoscreen, but it was much better. He glanced at his Jedi Master, at the downward pull of his thick eyebrows and the frown on his lips. “They learned I’m  _ married _ , that I allowed myself to grow attached to another person. There’s no way I’ll still be allowed in the Order.”

“Perhaps they will Anakin. The Order is fragile at the moment. We’re at the forefront of a war, and you  _ are _ one of the best generals out there,” Obi-Wan’s words sounded reasonable enough, but there was a crack to the theory and the man knew it as much as Anakin did. 

“If they need Jedi so badly, why was it so easy for them to toss aside  _ my _ padawan? Face it Master, they’re not going to let this slide. Kriff, they better let my men work with you, you know them so well, care for them as much as I do, worked with them.” Anakin wasn’t sure what would come of Rex, but he hoped that the man was able to stay close to Obi-Wan, he hated the thought of the people who cared so much for could be so far apart from each other without him there. So far from him. “I- I thought you would’ve been angry at me.”

Obi-Wan reached a hand up, placing it on Anakin’s cheek, his thumb wiping away at the wetness that was slowly drying. “Anakin, no matter where you are, you will  _ always _ be my brother. I’ve helped raise you since you were to my waist and stuck live frogs into my dresser whenever you felt like I wasn’t paying enough attention to you, there is no way in hell that anything could change the fact you are my brother Ani.”

And, it might not have been the exact words Anakin had wanted to hear from Obi-Wan for years- Anakin, who thought of Obi-Wan as his father, as the man who raised him and had helped him rebraid his padawan braid whenever he messed it up in his sleep and would smooth at his hair and had let Anakin sleep next to him in his tiny twin sized bed for years whenever Anakin found himself having a nightmare, so many things that made him think  _ father _ \- but it made him smile, chest warm as he let Obi-Wan wipe away at his tears with careful hands. 

“And besides, you weren’t exactly  _ subtle _ my young padawan. Always finding a reason to go visit the Senate, worrying yourself sick whenever Senator Amidala was anywhere near trouble. Of course, I  _ am _ a bit surprised that you two are married, but she seems to give you a happiness that you have never been able to find in the Order, and for that, I cannot be angry Anakin.” Obi-Wan’s hand moved to rest on Anakin’s shoulder, his grip tight and familiar, calming and warm. “We should get to the Council, they must be waiting for us. How do you feel?”

Anakin breathed in. “Like my whole life is about to be shattered. I’ll- I’ll be fine. The panic attack is over with. I have you, I have Padmé, I have Ahsoka. Even if I get kicked out of the Order, I have you three. Okay, let’s get to it!” He gave Obi-Wan a nod, who frowned and wiped at Anakin’s face until he deemed it well enough- Anakin’s eyes had to be red-rimmed, he didn’t cry much, but when he did it was ugly and noticeable as all hells. 

He followed Obi-Wan through the halls towards the Council room, a step behind him as he kept his head down. He could feel the stares, the wondering, the rumors already spreading-  _ what had Anakin Skywalker down this time, how has the _ Chosen One _ messed up yet again, does he not care about the war _ \- though nobody but the Council members truly knew what this was about, and the few Jedi Knights who  _ were _ witness to Anakin proclamation of being married were discreet and would not say a word until  _ after  _ the decision was formally made. As though there was any doubt in anyone's minds what was about to happen. Anakin was going to be kicked out of the Order. 

A quick, unsteady breath through his nose, and Anakin followed his Master into the Council room. The eyes of the Council members were heavy, it made Anakin’s shoulders momentarily drop before Obi-Wan pressed his hand to the small of Anakin’s back and gave him a small reassuring nod. Anakin breathed in, stood straight- confident as he has been for years- with his chin held up and hands held behind his back, and met each Jedi High Council member's eyes, so solem and  _ hurt _ . Obi-Wan made his way to his seat, and when Anakin met his eyes, it was full of their earlier conversation. Everything would be fine.

Anakin Skywalker would no longer be a Jedi, but it would be fine. 

Obi-Wan loved him and wouldn’t leave him for his actions against the Code. Ahsoka would be back on Coruscant in hours when she heard of the news. Padmé, his lovely Padmé, would forever be a pillar of strength and hope and would stand by his side with love in her eyes no matter what Anakin did with his life. Everything would be fine. 

“A violation against our Code, you have committed. Stand idly and argue all day, the Council cannot.” Yoda spoke, his little claws gripping hard at his gimmer stick. Anakin thought of how, for years as a youngling, he would fetch the old Jedi Master frogs from the ponds of the gardens and sneakily hand them to him during the middle of Council meetings with excuses nobody believed tumbling from his lips as he crouched in front of the Grand Master and carefully handed him the wiggling creature to snack on. Anakin had used to feel so close to Yoda, now he felt so far away, like he was nothing. His eyes stung, but Anakin carefully breathed and expelled the emotions building up within his chest out into the Force. He would examine those feelings afterwards and deal with them then. 

“I understand Master Yoda. What I have done- I have not lived by the Jedi Code, not truly. I have not only violated the Code, but the trust you have placed on me when I was granted the title of a Knight. I’m sorry that we have come to this moment.” Anakin gripped his hands tightly behind his back and lowered his head slightly as the shame he felt washed over him. 

“The Council acknowledges your apology Skywalker,” Windu spoke with a sigh. He was massaging at his temple, a frown on his face. “We do not feel that we can continue being a Jedi, however, with how strenuous the war has become we-”

“No,” Anakin spoke, his lips moving and sound escaping without his meaning to. “No, you can’t just- my padawan had been accused of crimes she had not committed, yet no one else listened to her pleas of innocence! You all caused her to leave the Order when she could have grown to be a wonderful Jedi, you made her feel unwelcome, as though the home she had for sixteen years did not matter whatsoever. Yet, I violate the Order, I marry a woman out of love and hide it since I was nineteen, and what? You offer me to stay in my position until this Force forsaken war is over with, whenever that is with how it’s all gone to shit. We are at the same place we began with in this war- nowhere!”

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan began, “Are you saying that you will not  _ graciously _ accept the offer of continuing to stay a part of the Order until the war ends?” 

Too much pride, too much anger. Anakin knew he always held them inside himself, and he knew it could be his flaw at times. He knew he should bow his head and accept this olive branch the Council was extending his way. Yet- despite it, despite this chance to at least continue on, to stay by the sides of his men and the Jedi he had called his home for years, despite the panic attack that had stolen his breath and caused his heart to clench, he couldn’t. He couldn’t. Anakin was done lying. He was done fighting until his soul felt bare. The only reason he had continued to stay so long in the Order was because of how adamant Padmé had been about their duties, the fact that the war had began immediately after they had married and Anakin had received his prosthetic arm, and the worry and guilt he felt over whether Obi-Wan would still care for him if he left. 

The war was still ongoing, yes, but it was only a matter of time before everything fell apart of the seams- whether it was good or bad, Anakin could not feel yet, but when it did he wanted to be sure Padmé was near him. Obi-Wan called him his  _ brother _ , had called him  _ Ani _ , had told him he would never leave Anakin behind no matter the path he chose. And Padmé-

He closed his eyes, breathed in, and met Obi-Wan’s eyes. “I’m tired of lying, of not being able to talk to my wife for days on end, of the endless worry that eats at my guts even when I’m supposed to feel  _ happy _ . This offer is great, it is, and I don’t mean to come off as angry or prideful. I’ll admit I can’t stand the thought of leaving my men behind, but my wife is pregnant and I suppose since all this happened, that this is the Force telling me to leave well enough alone. That I tried my best to keep the balance, but it’s time for me to live the life I want, and not the one that I had been traded into.” 

He was tired of being the Chosen One, to have that prophecy so many believed to be him hanging over his head and becoming a judgement of all his actions. Anakin had tried, but Qui-Gon was wrong, he had simply found a boy, not the one who would defeat the Sith. He could see as the Council came to the same conclusion, their eyes closing, their shoulders dropping, their heads nodding. 

“A noble effort, young Skywalker had made. Final is his choice. May the Force be with you, Skywalker.” Master Yoda inclined his head, a small sad smile on his face, and Anakin knew that the old creature was thinking of the times Anakin would not-so-secretly hand him frogs and would follow him around the Temple to hear old Jedi tales that only a Jedi of his age could know. Anakin bowed his head to the Grand Master and unclipped his lightsaber from his belt. 

There was a weight, heavy and burdensome, that seemed to lift off of his shoulders as he placed the lightsaber into Master Windu’s hands. Never before had he felt that weight, but he could feel it now that it was gone. His next breaths came easier.

“I cannot believe I’m about to say this, but I’ll miss your presence in the Temple and the reports of yours that gave me headaches,” Windu said with a smile, his words causing Anakin to laugh and answer with, “Well, hey, you still got my Master to give you stress headaches.”

“Excuse you Anakin? I am  _ nowhere  _ near you when it comes to stress headaches.” Obi-Wan tilted his head up and harrumphed as he crossed his arms over his chest, a hint of a smile hiding underneath that beard of his. 

Anakin rolled his eyes. “Well, I’ll go see my men and tell them the news, then I suppose I’ll be off.” He took a step forward, and regardless of the weight that had been shed from his shoulders, Anakin was suddenly unsure. Never in his life had he been so- unburdened. He had been a slave, to a free boy taken under the wing of a religious order, and most of what he had ever done in his life he had been what he had been told to do. Now, Anakin was choosing his family, choosing to talk to the 501st, choosing to leave the Order. 

There had been surprise, the emotion welling up in the clones minds and faces, as Anakin cleared his throat as he walked into the barracks, his hands twisting behind his back. His decision to leave the Order, and in extension the war and his men, had possibly been a bit, well, rash of him. He truly was an emotional man who didn’t always view the whole picture, wasn’t he? Good thing he wasn’t a Jedi anymore. Oh, Force, he wasn’t a Jedi anymore. The realization hit completely as Rex greeted Anakin with a grim smile and asked, “We heading out already sir?” 

None of them had been witness to Anakin’s idiocy of announcing his relationship status, but they had seen his grim attitude as they returned to Coruscant, and they deserved to hear this from him, deserved to know and not just be sent along the wind to hell knows wherever needed them. Anakin shook his head and placed his hands on his hips as he breathed in. “I’m no longer in the Jedi Order and no longer your General.”

“Skywalker, what happened?” Rex frowned, followed by mummers of his brothers as they turned to each other and to Anakin. 

The words were hard to find, Anakin staring down at his feet for a moment, bracing himself, before he swallowed audibly and met his captain’s worried eyes. “During our last campaign, it came to light that I have an attachment that means more to me than the Jedi. Since attachments are forbidden within the Order, I’ve been kicked out. Technically. The Council still wanted me to play at being a Jedi, but- I suppose I’m too prideful, because I couldn’t take it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so rash. I should’ve taken their offer to-”

“C’mon Skywalker, don’t go feeling bad for us, you had to take a stand for yourself!” A voice called out, followed by grunts of agreement from several others. Anakin glanced over to meet Fives eyes, the clone standing with his arm strung over Echo’s shoulders, a wicked smile on his face.

“Yeah, not really a good look on you, sir.” Rex said with a shrug. “We know you Skywalker. You wouldn’t leave unless you felt it was necessary. It’s gonna be different without you around, but we’re soldiers, we’ll adapt to the change.” 

Anakin stepped forward and pressed a hand to his friend's shoulder. “It was a pleasure fighting by your side. You work on the front to finish this war, and I promise, I’ll pester the Senate so hard about clone rights that you’ll be your own man before you know it.” The fight for clone rights was slow going and constantly being pushed back, and it was a frequent topic between Anakin and Padmé, who seemed to be adamant that Palpatine was purposely disregarding the discussion of clones by claiming there were more important issues. And while Anakin tried to see the Chancellors point of view, he couldn’t help but agree that giving the clones their own rights and pensions was a priority. He hated living with the fact that these individuals lived their lives as no better than as if they were slaves. 

Rex smirked, “I’ll be holding you on that Skywalker.” The man raised his arm and they held each other in a hig, long and tight, before breaking apart, Anakin seperating to speak words alone to several others of Torrent Company. There were strong hands patting his back, and sly asks about who exactly had been the one to take his heart, and a care in each and every one of their eyes as they shared their goodbyes. As Rex walked Anakin out, he pressed his hand onto Anakin’s back. It was much like what Obi-Wan had done earlier in the day and made Anakin feel slightly better with himself. “I know you might not really believe us, but we live to protect you Jedi. And even if you aren’t one anymore, you’ll still be  _ our _ stupidly stubborn Jedi. To know that you’ll be safe, with your wife, it makes us feel better. Now we just have to finish this war in your honor.”

“You make it sound like I’m six feet under,” Anakin laughed, leaning down slightly to knock his head against Rex, who laughed softly and pat at his back. “Comm me whenever we can, okay? I want to know that you’re safe and well.”

“Like I could go a day without hearing your snarky remarks Skywalker.” Rex said as they stepped outside. Immediately, Anakin spotted Obi-Wan, who was engaged in what seemed to be an intense game of hacky sack with a clone. His master was definitely using the Force in his favor, which Rex seemed to have noticed, a silent laugh shaking his shoulders as they watched the ridiculous sight of Obi-Wan Kenobi keeping up a sack, hand stitched with what looked to be loose fabrics from the clones under clothes and pillow cases. Obi-Wan must have felt Anakin’s own amusement, because after a moment, he glanced up and grinned at Anakin as he kicked up the damn sack, the clone he was with watching with bright eyes. “He sure is something.”

“Yeah, well, did you really expect  _ more  _ from the man that raised me,” Anakin said with a gesture to his face, grinning widely. Rex guffawed and dropped his head onto Anakin’s shoulder as he tried to contain his laughter. 

The laughter must have distracted Obi-Wan, because he missed the sack with his foot and the thing fell unceremoniously onto the ground, the clone Obi-Wan was with cheered and gave Obi-Wan a pat on the back before he grabbed his homemade hacky sack and ran off inside with a cheerful wave to them all. Obi-Wan made his way over to the two of them, smiling with his ears tinted red the way they always did whenever he was slightly embarrassed with himself, his hands shoved into his robes pockets. “Hello Anakin, Captain Rex.”

“Nice moves General,” Rex said with a grin. 

“Thank you, I must say it provided good practice for hand-eye coordination.” It was a load of banthashit, and Obi-Wan knew it very well, but he stood tall and proud as though he hadn’t been playing a game while using the Force to impress a trooper. “I wanted to see you Anakin, there’s more I wish to speak to you about, as I’m sure you have words for me. I’ll see you around Captain Rex,” Obi-Wan said as he turned around, walking slowly as he obviously waited for Anakin to say goodbye.

“I’ll comm you when I can.” Rex said as he pulled Anakin into a one armed hug.

“Good man,” Anakin laughed as he patted the man's back. He took one last good look at him before he let go and jogged to catch up to his master. Brother. Obi-Wan. That was going to take a while to get used to. “Hey, sorry about earlier. Even I didn’t think I would say all that.”

Obi-Wan sighed, but there was a playful smile on his face. “I don’t think any one of us exactly saw you rejecting the Jedi coming, but you had your reasons, so do  _ not  _ apologize for trying to give yourself the life you desire. Some are simply not made to be Jedi, and while I know you loved it, the Order is not for you.”

“I just- I always wanted to be this great Jedi, like you.” Anakin had always looked up to Obi-Wan, how he would smirk and talk his way out of situations and seem so cool under pressure, how level he was able to keep his emotions. There were so many times Anakin had felt like he could never be as good of a Master to Ahsoka as Obi-Wan had been to him, and he may be right on that matter, but Obi-Wan insisted that Anakin had done his very best in the circumstances. Obi-Wan was just so much  _ better  _ than Anakin could ever be.

“Oh Anakin, I am not a great Jedi. I try, but I have never been  _ great _ . Perhaps I should have told you this all before, but I suppose I enjoyed how you always seemed to think so highly of me,” Obi-Wan sighed and gave Anakin a small smile as they moved into a speeder- the speeder that belonged to the Order that Anakin had always been so fond of and had worked on in his late teenage years as a way of ‘meditation.’ Anakin settled into the pilot seat, but didn’t take off, instead he sat with his feet on the chair and his chin resting on top of his knees, the way that had annoyed Obi-Wan as he grew older, but the man only smiled as he watched Anakin and sat in the seat next to him. “It wasn’t until I was twelve that I had been appointed as a padawan, and after- there were times where I was not sure about being a Jedi, where I struggled internally. I had temporarily left the Order when I was thirteen to fight in a war with other children I believed in, and I might have stayed if I didn’t begin to feel the pull of the Force.’

‘Perhaps it was different for me, since I was raised so young within the Order, grew up in the creches and watched as Jedi Knights trained amongst one another for as long as I could remember. My heart may have pulled me elsewhere from time to time, but the Order has always been my home, where I feel in place. Of course, I am not a great Jedi, not in the way you think. I fall in love with people and planets and causes, but for me, the Order is foremost. However, I need you to understand Anakin, I understand you and your struggles, and I do not judge you for leaving.” 

There were tears at the edge of Anakin’s eyes. He smiled at Obi-Wan and gave him a nod. “Well, Windu always said I gave you as much hell as you gave Qui-Gon.” Anakin’s voice was rough, but Obi-Wan didn’t say a word, only laughed and gave a shrug with a completely innocent look on his face. It was odd to think that even Obi-Wan struggled with his place in the Order. That he had even left! But, Anakin  _ knew _ that Obi-Wan was in peace within the Order, that he enjoyed the lifestyle of the Jedi, of being a peacekeeper. Still, it felt reassuring to know, even if it was a little belated. 

After a few minutes of silence, Anakin wiped at his face and moved to get the ship going. They were going through Coruscant, Anakin flying less flashy than usual, simply cruising through, when Obi-Wan’s voice surprised Anakin, “So, what was that about earlier today? When you said your wife is pregnant.” 

Anakin cringed. He had hoped Obi-Wan hadn’t exactly caught that part of his speech, but that seemed to be something he should have known Obi-Wan would have immediately latched onto. Really, it was a miracle that Obi-Wan hadn’t burst out in questions the second he had heard Anakin say the word ‘pregnant.’ “Right, um, surprise?” He chuckled, but quickly screwed his mouth shut when Obi-Wan gave him an unamused look. “Right, sorry Master. Padmé and I, we have this rule. We have so many secrets, but we don’t keep secrets from each other. So, Padmé told me when she was beginning to have suspicions she may be pregnant, which was- exciting. Mostly terrifying, especially with the drukload of trouble Padmé can get herself into from time to time.”

“How far along is she? Does anyone else know?” 

“About thirty-three weeks I think? Senator Organa knows Padmé’s pregnant, but he doesn’t know about us. I think. He may know about us. And, um, Dormé and Sabé know, they even stand in on Senate meetings from time to time wearing fake stomachs in dresses designed to  _ hide _ those stomachs. It’s elaborate. Kind of like something you’d be fond of. Captain Typho knows. Oh and Threepio and Artoo of course. Now, you and the whole Jedi Council.” Anakin breathed in as he went around a few slow speeders that were bumping loud dance music with young sentients attempting to stand up and dance. “ _ Stoopa peedunkys,”  _ Anakin muttered under his breath as they passed the speeders. 

“You’re going to be a father in a few weeks,” Obi-Wan said with a soft chuckle. “It feels like just yesterday you were that nine year old little boy who would stand on my shoulders to gather the fruit from the trees in the gardens. Now, you are going to be a father. Do you have names chosen?”

“Padmé is sure we’re having a boy and has been thinking up her own names, but I’m sure we’re having a girl. I can feel it. I have a few names thought out: Safaa’, Iisa, Leia.” During the long campaigns, Anakin would find himself looking out into the sea of droids, his mind half wondering about names for a daughter. And, Anakin was absolutely sure that they were having a daughter, he could feel it in his bones, whenever he closed his eyes and thought of his family, he saw a little girl with brown curls that Anakin would learn how to style properly and big brown eyes and little intricate dresses. Briefly, he had considered his mother's name, but had quickly decided that it would be too painful. The past was the past, and it was best to leave it there. Shmi was his mother and that’s where her memory would stay; his mother, her body burned into ashes that Anakin had settled into Naboo soil.

Obi-Wan hummed. “Leia, that sounds familiar.”

Anakin shrugged his shoulders as he dodged around a flashy neon green speeder that suddenly stopped in the middle of traffic. Seriously, the assholes on Coruscant needed to learn how to fly properly. “There was this legend, about the goddess Leia, who lay underneath the sands of Tatooine. She would sleep peacefully for days on end, but if you weren’t careful, if you stepped somewhere that could wake her, or said a word that could offend her, she would cause sandstorms as she struggled through the sand to find the offender. Some days, Leia would simply open her mouth, and the sand would swallow you up, never to be found by another soul. It’s all stupid stories madeup so kids wouldn’t wander where they shouldn’t, but I always thought the name was nice. Plus, I mentioned it once in front of Padmé, just a curse in Huttese- ‘may Leia swallow you whole’- and she had thought it was pretty.”

Okay, maybe the past was the past, but Anakin  _ was _ a sucker for his wife and she had seemed so fond of the name Leia. She had smiled when she had heard him cursing, and laughed, “Is that a Huttese word? I’ve never heard it before, it’s so... delicate sounding.” Compared to the language of the Hutts, ugly and brash and full of swears and insults, anything sounded  _ delicate _ , but Anakin couldn’t help but agree that Leia  _ was  _ a pretty name. So Leia. 

“That’s where I’ve heard it! You should work on your cussing Anakin, truly. You  _ are  _ about to become a father.” Obi-Wan laughed when Anakin shot him an unimpressed look. “I’m happy for you Anakin. I didn’t want things to turn out this way, but I’m happy for you. And I’m sure Padmé will be happy to hear that you will be able to actually be around.”

“Oh Force, I have no idea how I’m going to tell Padmé. She’s the one who insisted I stay in the Order, but, I suppose she will be glad I can be around especially with the pregnancy so close to its end. It was frustrating not being able to be together, and I doubt she’ll be mad. I just- it feels like I failed. I was supposed to be the Chosen One. I was supposed to…” Anakin trailed off, instead letting himself sigh and watch the traffic as they drew closer and closer to his and Padmé’s home. 

A hand settled on his shoulder. “Anakin, do  _ not _ let yourself fall into this pit. You did not fail. Qui-Gon may have felt certain about the prophecy and that you held a place within it, but even so, it was a burden he placed on your shoulders. The Chosen One may not be you, and you simply have to live on and do the good you believe in, not the one the Jedi Order wishes you to do. You had done your best, my bantha-headed little brother, and that is what matters, and I believe that is what your wife will feel matters as well.” Anakin shrugged off Obi-Wan’s hand with a snort at the ‘bantha-headed little brother part,’ feeling pleased.

“You always know what to say, don’t you?” Anakin laughed, his nerves settling as he set the speeder to a halt in front of the balcony of his home. He wasn’t sure if Padmé was home, he hadn’t spoken to her yet since he had arrived back to Coruscant, but there was a good chance she had one of her handmaidens step into her place at the Senate.

“Yes, well, they don’t call me the Negotiator for nothing Anakin.” 

Anakin laughed as he stood up. He leaned down and set his chin on top of his brother's head, staying there for a minute before moving away to open the hatch doors. “Thanks Obi-Wan. Comm me when you can. I’ll be here.” Obi-Wan called out something Anakin couldn’t quite hear as he jumped out, but could sense Obi-Wan’s affection in the tone and in the air around the older man. The Force aided him as Anakin landed on the balcony, cushioning around his feet as he landed properly. He gave a wave and watched as the speeder shot off. He stood there for a moment, watching as the speeder turned smaller and smaller with each passing second, slowly fading away. They would not be able to turn and find each other at any corner anymore, but it would be fine, because no matter the fact Anakin was no longer a Jedi, they were always brothers. Something warm settled in Anakin’s stomach that heated up his bones, and he couldn’t help but grin. 

He turned towards the balcony doors, breathed, and stepped inside.


	2. my dreams made music in the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "Last Words of a Shooting Star" by Mitski

Their home was always filled with warmth. From the trinkets that laid around, from the muted colors and the green plants that never wilted with their flowers that bloomed so bright and lovely, from the way buoyant delight curled around his stomach as he stepped inside. He could feel Padmé’s Force presence, calm and endlessly familiar, somewhere inside of their home. And, Anakin realized with a tilt of his head and a smile, he could hear Threepio’s voice, loud and worried-filled as always, from a room close by. Anakin moved towards the bedroom, where Padmé sat on their large bed with the sheets so soft and warm that Anakin never wanted to leave them- and he didn’t have to anymore if he didn’t want to, what a thought- the thick fabric of her pants were pushed up to her knees and her hands were folding at small clothes that Anakin’s mind stalled in recognizing as baby clothes. 

Whatever Threepio was saying was ignored and shushed with a wave of Padmé’s hand. “Now, really Threepio, don’t worry.”

“What’s gotten into your circuitry now Threepio?” Anakin asked with a smirk as he leaned against the doorway, watching as surprise shuttered across his wife’s face and the droid began to raise up his arms and call out Anakin’s name in joy. 

“Ani, I didn’t know you were back!” Padmé grinned widely as she set aside the clothes she was folding, carefully moving up to her knees. Anakin had not seen her in a few months and had not seen her stomach, so round and large and obvious in the sweatshirt she wore, since then. He quickly made his way over to the bed and climbed on top of it, shoes be damned when his wife was right here, crawling towards her on his knees until he could reach over and kiss her. When they pulled back, Padmé reached up a hand, her fingers smoothing along the line of the scar near his right eye. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Anakin pressed another kiss to the tip of her nose, enjoying how she wrinkled up her face in response. “What have you gotten Threepio so worried about?”

Padmé did not answer for a second, instead sitting back down to collect a nearby bag to place the baby clothes into. “Well, you see, I have begun to have contractions. C-3PO is being a worrywart, insisting we set off to a hospital  _ now _ when we don’t have to worry about it yet.” She was so calm and collected that it took a second for Anakin to truly process what exactly Padmé had said and what it meant. There was no way she could be in labor, this was too early, there was still weeks until the end of her pregnancy. Yet, Padmé wouldn’t joke about something like this, and she absolutely wasn’t lying. A look must have passed over Anakin’s face, because his wife reached over and placed a hand onto his cheek. “The contractions are about thirty minutes apart and not very long, Threepio’s been monitoring me. All is fine. I promise. Until they get closer and longer, this baby of ours is not coming.” 

Only minutes ago, when he had been talking to Obi-Wan about becoming a father, the concept had seemed much more like a far away inevitability. Now, well now, it was real. He was going to become a father sometime today, possibly tomorrow. He was about to become a father on the same day he left the Jedi Order. Just when Anakin was sure he had made peace with the fact that he left the Order, he found himself feeling so lost once again, stuck into the middle of nowhere with only his lungs, so easily collapsible and unreliable, and the robes on his back. No, no, that wasn’t true, he knew that wasn’t true. He had to calm the hells down. Even if this all seemed so new, parenthood was new to Padmé as well. This was new territory for both of them. He had to get a grip on these emotions that choked at his throat and made his mouth feel dry, he had to wrestle them away, face them head on. He was going to become a father.

“I’m no longer a Jedi.” Anakin found himself saying, no preamble, nothing of what he had thought of saying when he had entered the apartment. Just blurted it out. There was truly no good way for Anakin to try and find himself to say it, he had to say the words, the truth. He was no longer a Jedi. The one thing that had defined him since he was nine, the one thing he ever was besides a slave, was no longer an extension of him. He would always be one with the Force, would always feel the warm embrace that the Force laid around his soul, but he was no longer a Jedi that had to stand firm on their ideals that he had never been quite able to adhere to. He was simply Anakin Skywalker, husband, and soon to be father. “During our last campaign, so much was happening, and I accidentally… became emotional and revealed that I have a wife in front of  _ several _ Jedi Masters.”

“Oh Anakin, I- I can’t believe they would do this. Especially now, during the war.”

“Well, that’s kind of the thing. They wanted me to stay.  _ For _ the war.” Anakin sat with his legs crossed on the bed, staring at his hands in his lap. The words threatened to choke him, wanting to be formed but not moving out of his mouth. He breathed in and shook his head, forcing the damn words out. “I couldn’t. I can’t. Not anymore. If this was any other time, the Jedi High Council would have kicked me out the moment the words slipped my lips. But I’m the Chosen One. I broke the rules for years and they were willing to look away, not to reexamine the Order’s rules, not for anything other than to have me fight on in a war that we’re neither winning or losing in. And, I know it’s for a good cause, for democracy, for the Senate, but Padmé, I can’t fight this anymore. I can’t keep silent, can’t be the Jedi soldier that the Council wants to keep in the Order on the off chance I  _ am _ this Chosen One. I’m only a man. A man who wants nothing more than to stay with my beautiful wife, and our beautiful child.” 

Padmé’s hands, warm and smooth, framed his face, her thumbs underneath his jaw and her palms cupping his cheeks. “I didn't mean to upset you. This war has been hard for everyone. After everything that’s happened, and will happen, I understand why you would leave. Honestly, I wish everyday that you could be here with me, always, and here for our child, and I’m so happy it won’t be a distant dream. I can’t believe it. You’re no longer a Jedi. I could kiss you in public whenever you say something ridiculous and nobody would give a care.” She laughed, small and light and filled with a happiness that drifted into Anakin’s view and clung to him until he was grinning right back. Padmé leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to his lips before sitting back. 

“I think if you kiss me in public, that’d cause  _ quite _ the scene.” Anakin laughed as he laid down on the bed, watching as his wife finished packing up the small bag. He liked the idea of getting to kiss Padmé without having to find a pillar or an empty room to wrap themselves around each other, without having to keep his senses open in case anyone was close by, without having to hide under a desk until everyone left the room. It had been disheartening, having to sneak about just as much when he was home as he did out during campaigns. It felt like there was no true moments to rest. “Imagine the gossip that would spread! Rex would love it, he’s all for those trashy gossip holovids.” There would be some nights that Rex would lean his whole body against Anakin’s, pressing into him until Anakin laughed and accepted his fate, and the man would put up the holovids that talked up singers' love lives and the latest scandal that had Rex fake gasping. They would have conversations in the middle of the battlefield about news that had just broken out that had Anakin laughing even when he was shoving his lightsaber into a droid's chest. If Anakin- a former Jedi and general for the Republic- and Padmé- the Senator of Naboo, former queen of Naboo, and the most beautiful sentient in every galaxy- showed up in those vids, Rex would cherish every second of it. 

“It would be  _ everywhere _ !” Padmé said with a small laugh. “Every picture they could get their hands on that features the both of us in close proximity will be scrounged up and overanalyzed until they get a word out of us. But, what they don’t consider is that we are strong. A Senator and a Jedi. We lift our chins to questions and laugh in their faces. We answer to no one but our hearts.” She placed a hand over her heart and playfully lifted up her chin, and all Anakin could do was prop himself up and watch her beautiful face in awe. He loved her so much, loved her prose and the way words curled around her tongue like each and every one belonged to her, loved how she joked, loved how she giggled to herself. He was in a constant loop of falling deeper and deeper in love with her, with the little things that made Padmé.

A chord of pain shot through the Force, through Padmé, her face shuttering and her hands holding clenching tight as she breathed through her nose. It wasn’t long before the pain settled and Padmé took a deep breath through her nose, Anakin carefully setting a hand on her knee. “It’s just a contraction, don’t get so worried Ani.” Padmé’s thumb smoothed at his forehead, taking away the lines of worry that must have settled on his face as he watched her go through the pain. 

He hated it. Hated seeing,  _ feeling _ , the thread of pain that had moved throughout her body. Anakin grabbed her wrist and pressed a kiss to her fingers, “Can’t help it. Your pain- it makes me want to hold you tight and take it all for myself.” If it were possible, he would stop any pain from ever reaching her. Perhaps he was a little over protective, but he couldn’t stop the large emotions that riled up inside of his stomach whenever Padmé so much as flinched. This was why he wasn’t meant for the Jedi Order- he loved and he loved, so deeply and fully, and it wasn’t something that could be erased with time.

“Oh Ani.” Padmé sighed and shook her head, the tips of her fingers edging along his lips. “Some days I have to carry pain too. It will be alright. All of this is worth it, because it’s giving us our child. Our baby.”

“I know, I know. It still sets me on edge though.” Anakin sighed and kissed at the pads of her fingers before Padmé pulled away with a smile, small and secret and loving. For the next hour, they spoke quietly to one another, Anakin holding his wife’s hand every time a contraction wracked her body. Padmé discreetly messaged Sabé, who had been masquerading as her at the Senate for the past few days, that she was in labor and Anakin did the same with Obi-Wan, with the added favor of asking the man to bring home Artoo, since in all the worry of the damned day Anakin had forgotten his droid at the Temple. When the contractions were becoming closer, they left to the medcenter, Anakin holding his wife’s hand and never letting go as everything shifted into a blur of movement and motion and talk and before he knew it he was holding Padmé’s hand as she was lying in a bed, her hand squeezing his so tightly he was fearful that she was somehow using the Force. 

Maybe it was the way worry had clenched into his stomach that he had blinked and wondered how they had gotten to this moment, but Anakin simply shook his head and kissed at Padmé’s sweat-soaked hairline as they listened to doctors and med-droids speak. “It’s a bit early, isn’t it?” Anakin found his lips asking as Padmé breathed heavily through her nose and whimpered, quiet and nearly inaudible. “Is- will she be okay? Will the baby be okay?” Why did his mouth even move, Anakin distantly wondered, when his ears were a rush of blood, as loud as a river, and he could barely hear his own voice. 

The med droid began to speak, but all Anakin could catch was something along the lines of “Senator Amidala will be in fit condition” and “this is typical in births involving twins” which Anakin couldn’t wrap his head around and could only nod stupidly before he winced in pain as his wife clenched his hand so hard he could feel something falling out of place. Kriff. He hadn’t a clue on what was happening right now, but he took the word of the droid that Padmé was  _ fine _ \- she was fine, she was fine, she was fine, he was not going to hold another woman he loved so deeply in his arms as life washed away from her eyes, she was fine, she was fine, she was fine. He closed his eyes as another wave of contractions wracked his wife’s body as he felt the Force around them. Padmé’s body and soul were strong and did not waver, even with the immense pain. She was strong. Anakin pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

Their child was born with a loud, wailing cry, small and red and wrinkled and despite all that the most beautiful little creature Anakin had ever laid his eyes on. “A boy,” the doctor commented as they handed the baby, their child, their  _ son _ , to the med droid, Anakin’s eyes following the movement as he felt tears drip down his cheeks and Padmé make a sound that was both a laugh and a cry as she said, “ _ Luke _ .” 

Luke. Their son. Luke. 

“Still the other child to go and the afterbirth, and everything will be all said and done. You’re doing remarkable.” The doctor spoke calmly and Anakin tore his eyes away from where his son was being checked over and cleaned off. The other child.  _ This is typical in births involving twins _ . Suddenly, Anakin was once again in his body, hearing and feeling and  _ there _ , understanding the words that were spoken around him and he realized just what was happening. It was never just their child. It was their children. Twins. Two. Padmé was giving birth to twins. Tears continued to fall down his cheeks as he kissed his wife’s hairline and whispered in her ear as she pushed again, her hand crushing his into near oblivion and her teeth clenched so hard Anakin was concerned she would hurt her jaw. 

Their second child was born ten minutes after their son, wailing loudly with little shaking fists as the doctor declared “and a baby girl to finish off the set!” A girl. Their daughter. Anakin watched as their daughter was handed off to be cleaned, catching a glimpse of her wrinkled body and a tuft of dark hair. Their daughter. “Leia,” Anakin whispered in awe as he met Padmé’s eyes. His face had to be red and tearstained, and hers was soaked with sweat and pink blotches spread across her cheeks, but all he could think was:  _ I married the strongest, most lovely woman alive and now we have a son and a daughter. _ This was not the life he had expected, not when he was a child fixing up spare parts whenever he could, not when he was growing up as a padawan learner, not even when he had married Padmé had he ever thought a moment like this could happen. Anakin was a father. 

And, kriff, it didn’t matter anymore that he was no longer a Jedi. That his whole life for the past fourteen years had been turned over and he had stepped away from what he had felt for so long was the only thing he could ever be. He knew now, he knew, that this was what mattered. He was a father. He was a husband. This is what mattered. This small world, this small family that consisted of the people he cared for the most, this was all there was. Anakin kissed Padmé's cheek and whispered, “I love you so much. I love you. I love you.” And his wife smiled back, weary but nonetheless happy, and stroked a hand to his cheek.

The med droid placed a child into each of their arms. Anakin’s attention pulled away from Padmé as he carefully held the child, wrapped in a thin, soft blanket. Luke, Anakin knew immediately as he smiled down at his son. He was so small, his little head was nearly bald except for some thin blonde hairs, his hands so tiny, and Anakin worried that he could break something so small and fragile and beautiful. Anakin let his pinkie finger touch the child’s little nose, he watched as Luke opened his pink mouth and made a smacking sound. Anakin melted. Years worth of shadowing pain seemed to drift off his shoulders, blown away like the sands from one day to the next. The Force seemed to shine, so pure, so wonderful, so full of possibilities. There was so much potential within this small child, whatever it may be, whatever he may chose.

Anakin may have spoken, he may have said anything, but he couldn’t remember much else but the overwhelming awe that made his fingers twitch and his lips pull up into a wide grin as he stared at his son, at his Luke. “They’re so beautiful,” Anakin mumbled as he looked over at Padmé, who was gently smoothing at the tufts of dark hair on Leia’s head. “Can- can I hold her?”

“Only if I can hold our little Luke,” Padmé said with a smile. They carefully switched out the child in their hands, navigating around limbs and trying not to break these little children of theirs. “I think these two make up for the fact that you forgot our anniversary.” Anakin laughed, a little wet as he held Leia close to his chest, admiring her tiny features and the way the Force sang and danced around her. It was a joke, since Anakin had been half out of it and had given her a gift as he did most times after coming back to Coruscant from a campaign, but he had felt ridiculous and heartbroken over forgetting the date and Padmé always joked on little things he’d done that made up for his forgetting: a passionate kiss, the necklace he had made out of a crystal he had found in a cave he and Rex had been stuck in for more or less a day, a particularly great orgasm that had left Padmé pliant and barely able to speak afterwards, a badly made breakfast since the both of them never exactly learned how to cook meals while being a Jedi and a politician but had been greatly appreciated despite it. 

“I’m so happy you’re going to be with us. That you were here today.” Padmé’s voice did not waver, but there was emotion, deep and true, that rang throughout her words. Gratitude. Joy. The day had begun with Anakin being a general in the war effort, far away, their correspondence only a few written messages every other day or so. Now, Anakin was here to stay. He wouldn’t have to rush out after receiving a comm from Obi-Wan, wouldn’t have to find reasons to visit the Senate building. They were together, for the very first time since they had made vows to one another, they were truly together. Anakin was here. He was here to hold onto Padmé’s hand as she gave birth to their children-  _ children! They had twins, two beautiful baby twins _ \- and to kiss her brow as they set them into the bassinet next to the bed. 

“Come lie next to me,” Padmé muttered as she moved slightly, making enough room for Anakin to squeeze into. Carefully, Anakin settled in next to her, and she moved to rest her head on his shoulder, her hand reaching over to stroke at his cheek. “I can’t believe we have twins. Luke and Leia Skywalker.”

“No.” Anakin shook his head, his hand moving to grasp Padmé’s, intertwining their fingers. Skywalker was his name, yes, but it was the name of a slave. Skywalker, Whitesun, Starkiller, Darklighter; they were names slaves gave themselves when they had no other name to cling onto, they were names that gave them a strive for more beyond the life they were in. To walk along the sky and leave the damned sands. To strive towards the white shining suns so far away in the bone chilling night sky of the desert. To become a beacon of light in the darkness of oppression. Skywalker was the name of a slave. And his children were no slaves. They were born in the heart of the Republic, with the blood of a former queen running along their twisting blue veins. They were born as free as they wind, blowing strong and wild, able to go wherever they pleased. There were endless possibilities to be had for them; their wrinkled fingertips held opportunities that had been inconceivable for the ancestors they shared blood with. They were free from the ties- the wants, the longing, the captivity- that came with the Skywalker name. “I only kept the name Skywalker because it was a connection to my mother and since our marriage was secret.”

Understanding passed through Padmé as she nodded her head. “Amidala is the name I was given when I became queen, and I’ve had it as my name alone for nearly longer than Naberrie had been my name. It can be ours. Just ours and nobody else's. Anakin Amidala. Luke and Leia Amidala. What do you say?” She shifted slightly and their eyes met. Anakin kissed at her nose, simply because he loved the face she made every time he did, and she never failed to make it, nose scrunched up and tongue poking out between her white teeth. He loved her, he loved her so deeply it was engraved deep into his soul, and if his soul was ever bared for anyone to see, it would be her handprint carved into it.

“All I’ve wanted was to hear that name on your lips,” he answered with a grin. They kissed again before settling to sleep. It had been a long, exhausting day, and sweet dreams gratefully found their way in Anakin’s mind, of dancing with Padmé and holding his little children in his arms and kissing all three of their cheeks and laughing- it was light, so light and beautiful, and nothing could ever crack it. It was his family. 

A knock at the door was nearly startling, Padmé blinking from where she was nursing Luke, glancing over to Anakin, who reached out with the Force and smiled when a long familiar presence was behind the door, with two guests. “It’s Obi-Wan. Here, um,” Anakin helped his wife wrap a blanket around herself to cover her exposed chest as she continued to feed their son. He palmed at the lock, the door opened revealing Obi-Wan, with dark circles underneath his eyes and a grin pulling up his lips as he met Anakin’s eyes. Words seemed to have failed to leave Obi-Wan’s mouth, because he simply placed a hand, warm and large, on Anakin’s shoulder and smiled up at him until Anakin cracked and smiled at him. “Thanks for coming.”

“As though I would ever let myself miss meeting my brother's child. I hope you don’t mind that I brought Commander Cody and Captain Rex along, but it seemed fitting.” Obi-Wan glanced over Anakin’s shoulder and his smile wavered as his eyes landed on Padmé. “Oh, Senator Amidala, I apologize for intruding.”

“Don’t be silly Obi-Wan, you’re always welcome. Come, sit. Luke is still eating, but Leia is free if you want to meet her.” Padmé beckoned them into the room and Anakin moved out of the doorway to let the three men into the room. They all seemed a little lost and unsure of themselves, Rex and Cody especially as they did their best to greet Padmé while averting their eyes, as though she was not fully covered up from view. It was nice of them, but Anakin couldn’t help the teasing smile that pulled at his lips and the quips that burned his tongue, that begged to be said. Instead he tapped Rex’s bicep and asked, “Want to hold my daughter?”

Rex opened his mouth and made a sound, long and pained, staring at Anakin with wide eyes. Never had Anakin seen his Captain look so full of fear, yet the thought of holding his infant daughter seemed to have done him in. “I’m sorry sir- Skywalker, um, well, I don’t think. I mean- I was made for holding a blaster, not a youngling.” The reminder made a flare of anger rise in Anakin’s chest, but he pushed it down, the frustration was an obstacle, something he could use as fuel for another time, but for now, he was with his friends- his family- and wanted to enjoy this moment. To show Rex that he was much more than what has been ingrained in him. He was a man, complex and full of wants and needs, and he needed this as much as any other person. 

Anakin guided him to a chair and moved to grab Leia out of the bassinet, stroking at her belly for a moment with a grin before he carefully gathered her in his hands, one hand bracing her head and neck while the other rested on her butt. She was so tiny- just over five pounds. She weighed as much as some  _ blasters _ . “This is Leia Amidala. My daughter. Leia, these are your uncles. Let’s meet Uncle Rex first, yes?” He glanced over towards Obi-Wan, who was watching him with a smile, an encouraging hand resting on Rex’s shoulder, his thumb moving back and forth along the man’s exposed clavicle. 

“So, I gather that you two had twins. That must have been a surprise.” Obi-Wan said as Anakin helped guide Rex into holding his daughter. The clones hands were shaking, but he breathed in through his nose and he began to untense as he got hold of Leia. “Oh, she’s beautiful. Leia Amidala. I-” he huffed and shook his head, “Anakin, you never cease to amaze me. Truly.” Anakin glanced up at his former Jedi Master and his mouth paused from whatever answer he was about to give, because Obi-Wan’s eyes were shining and his grip on Rex’s shoulder seemed to have tightened. 

In a day, so much had changed within their lives. Never had Anakin felt so close to Obi-Wan until this day. Everything was laid bare- Anakin had a wife, he was now a father, him and Obi-Wan were brothers- open for them and only them. 

“I was surprised when they announced Leia was coming, but she really is great, isn’t she?” Padmé commented from the bed, she shifted slightly and Anakin glanced back at her as she moved a hand underneath the blanket and adjusted herself. When she moved the blanket that had been covering her, her breasts were back inside of her gown and Luke was sleepily shifting in her arms. “Here’s our Luke. Would you like to hold him Obi-Wan?” Obi-Wan, moving slowly as though he wasn’t entirely sure, sat at the corner of the bed and carefully took hold of Luke, his eyes still shining. 

Rex made a small cooing noise. “I- I’ve never held a youngling before. Not one so, well,  _ young _ . A few older ones while dirtside in the middle of busting clankers, but nothing like this. She’s so… tiny. And real. I can’t believe she’s real. That you made her Skywalker, that she has half of your DNA, has her mother's dark hair. It’s.” And he broke off and said nothing more, but Anakin could feel the fragility of his words, the edge of a revelation that couldn’t be put into articulate words. They were an assembly of people- two clones, a Jedi, a former-slave-and-Jedi, and a former queen- but they all seemed to understand what was going through Rex’s head. The beauty of this new life, so precious and precarious in these awful times, so full of hope. He didn’t have to say another word, because they all felt it, felt how much this meant. 

For all the fuss Rex had over carrying Leia, it took some coaxing for him to finally hand her over to Cody, who grinned and swept his fingers through her dark hair, and spoke to her in Mando’a, his voice deep and tumbling. Anakin wasn’t that familiar with the language- he mostly knew swears and some words regarding families, and he  _ did  _ use the swear words- but you enjoyed hearing the rise and fall of the Commander’s voice as he spoke to Leia. 

After all three men had their time to hold each child, the ability to have decipherable speech seemed to come back to them each as they asked after Padmé. She laughed when their attention was finally off the sleeping children, and let Anakin sit next to her on the bed as she spoke to them, her fingers carding through his hair. “I’m well. Still a bit tired, but well. Sabé and Dormé are playing my part at the Senate. We may not be able to do the same tricks as we did when I was queen, but only a few Senate members can even tell us apart when they  _ aren’t _ actively pretending to be me.” Anakin, who had once suffered through the intense embarrassment of once sleepily wrapping his arms around Sabé- dressed in Padmé’s clothes and heading out of their apartment- when he arrived on Coruscant after a month long campaign, could testify to how well the handmaids could disguise themselves as his wife especially when one wasn’t expecting it. “They’ll be excited to meet the little ones once we get back home.”

“And surprised I’m sure!” Obi-Wan exclaimed as he moved to lean against the wall next to Rex’s seat. Anakin, knowing his master- brother- so well, knew he was hung up on the fact that they hadn’t even had a clue that Padmé had been with twins and not just one baby. Anakin was just glad that all three of them were alive and well, the children spread out in the bassinet and napping away and his wife leaning into his side with her breath hitting the juncture between his neck and shoulder as she curled into him. Anakin kissed the side of her head as she laughed, light and beautiful. 

“Yes, they will be as surprised as we were. Honestly, I’m surprised Ani didn’t have to step out in shock.” 

Anakin snorted and rolled his eyes, “So little faith!” He said that as though he hadn’t been in a complete daze throughout the whole process, as though the realization that there was a second child- Leia, his small little Leia with strong lungs and fists and so wrinkled and red when he first held her in his arms- hadn’t been what had woken him up from the near out of body experience he had been having during Padmé’s labor. The shock and the anxiety and the fear that had rooted inside of him, deep in the pits of his stomach, in the months he had been so far away in the war had been rooted out the second he had realized that his children and wife were safe, he was there with them and they were safe. 

Rex, the good man he was, stood up for Anakin with a, “Hey now, let’s give Skywalker a little credit Senator,” only to follow up with, ”I’m sure he screamed into that Force of his to get rid of all those  _ icky _ emotions.” Whatever praise Anakin gave him- even in his mind- was wrong and if Anakin hadn’t been cuddling his wife and so kriffing comfortable he would have stood up and tried to get the clone into a headlock to prove his point.  _ Peedunky _ .

“Rex, my dear, I am sure my young padawan did not scream into the Force. If he had, I most definitely would have felt the disturbance within the Force.” His grin was large and he obviously found himself funny, which he very much wasn’t, and Anakin said as much as he rolled his eyes and countered back. Soon, the five of them were immersed in trying to one up each other in who was the most ridiculous  _ and  _ did not know how to deal with their emotions. 

It was easy to forget who they were. What they were. Their important roles in the Republic as a whole. No, at the moment they were simply a family, happy and together, celebrating a birth. They weren’t pieces of a larger puzzle, they were simply being. All that was missing was Ahsoka, who Rex quietly told Anakin before they left back to the Temple, was on her way back to Coruscant as fast as she could the second she had heard he had left the Order. Excitement coursed through Anakin, it had felt like so long since he had seen his padawan, and he missed her so much. She was like a young sister to him, and his days still felt dramatically  _ off _ that he couldn’t turn around and try and goad her into getting angry at him so that they could spar or have an arm wrestling contest or anything absurd and playful enough that it took his mind away from all the nearly endless  _ hurt _ that had been in their lives. 

“What are you thinking about Ani?” Padmé asked as they laid back in the bed, long after their guests- Anakin’s family that he had found and forged together like metal plates, or maybe they had been cogs that were made to come together all along- had left. Leia laid on his chest and Luke on hers and Anakin couldn’t wait to get back home so that they could comfortably lie together in their own large bed. He couldn’t wait to head home and have this little family all to himself. To wake up in the middle of the night and kiss Padmé’s shoulder as he said he would take care of the crying younglings- even if to others it sounded so mundane and overwhelming, Anakin longed for the normalcy, the love that edged everything in that fantasy. 

“How lucky I am that I found myself such a wonderful family,” he answered.

And his wife smiled at him, wide and happy, so Anakin leaned over to press a kiss to the mole on her cheek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're a family :')


	3. you give me strength when you hold my hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter titled from 'Happy Life' by Roland Faunte

There was an adjustment period, as all new situations needed, as Anakin learned how to navigate caring for the twins and how to simply  _ be _ . Despite not being part of the Order anymore, he still stuck to some of the principles, which, admittedly, were helpful in keeping his emotions in check. In the morning while Padmé breast fed the fussy children, Anakin would settle on a cushion near the window, listening as his wife hummed a lullaby, and work through his emotions while watching the speeders fly past or while fiddling with parts for the new droid he had set himself at building. Padmé had laughed when he had mentioned making a new droid, saying that Threepio and Artoo were enough to handle as it was (which  _ was _ true), but she had also kissed at his neck as she handed him Leia to change her diaper, so all was well. 

Anakin would practice movements, effectively simple exercises now that he didn’t have his own lightsaber, and some days Padmé would stand by his side and follow his movements before showing him some exercises that were popular on Naboo, used for their own meditation efforts. He found his daily rhythm- wake up, change diapers, meditate, breakfast, lie in bed with Leia or Luke on his bare chest as he and Padmé spoke, console crying children, kiss tiny hands, lunch, exercise, nap, an endless loop of consistency and domestic life that made Anakin smile as he curled up in bed at night with the children lying between him and Padmé. 

It was surprisingly easy to grow used to parenthood- to the crying, the sniffing stinky diapers- but what Anakin had the most to learn about was clothes other than the Jedi robes. Unlike some members of the Order, Anakin had stuck to wearing the traditional tunics and robes. Ahsoka had once asked him why he wore the traditional clothing, and it had taken Anakin a moment of thinking to answer. Because Obi-Wan wore them and, as Master Windu was fond of saying: like master, like padawan. Because he saw those clothes as being what a true Jedi- strong and fearless and amazing- wore. Now, he had a closet full of clothes that Padmé had ordered specifically for him. Faux furs and silk and lace; it was all so much that Anakin had never thought of wearing before. So expensive and fine that Anakin felt like he was about to go undercover with socialites. 

When Ahsoka arrived at their apartment, nearly a week after the twins were born, she gave Anakin a warm hug and said, “You’re wearing lace! I just got here and you’re already making this the best day of my life Skyguy.” Anakin  _ was _ wearing lace. The shirt was black and nearly see-through in certain parts, with patterns of flowers and large shaak’s from Naboo. He was also wearing pants, thick and black, that scrunched up high at his waist and flared up, held up with a wicked belt that had a large gold belt buckle the shape of a tusk-cat’s head. “You look like you’re about to burst out into song,” she said with a snicker as she pulled back.

“Well, nice to see you too Snips.” Anakin laughed, taking in how tall she had grown in the past few months, and the blasters that were strapped to her waist. She was an outlaw of sorts, a young woman who worked for the people and did as she pleased, and Anakin couldn’t be prouder of her. “Since seeing me brought you such joy, I suppose we’re done here.” He put his hands on her shoulders and Ahsoka groaned and tried to throw her elbow back into his stomach. 

“Oh c’mon Master I was joking! Noooo,” Ahsoka laughed as they wrestled. After a moment they were interrupted by a laugh, light and happy, and Anakin looked up to see Padmé, her hair brushed back behind her ears, wearing a silver blouse that ruffled in the front and had long flowing sleeves that had black embroidery along the edges of leaves and loth-cats. The children were in her arms, a skill they were both learning to master. Anakin immediately untangled from his padawan and moved to swoop little Leia into his arms. “Wow. Babies,” Ahsoka had said with a small smile as she stepped forward. She had kissed Luke and Leia’s foreheads and as she hugged Padmé close to her she teased Anakin on how he could make something so cute “considering.” 

She had stayed at the apartment for a few days. 

Her presence was both welcomed and bittersweet. Ahsoka had both changed so much, and had not changed at all. She would smile at her comm from messages from new friends she had made while roaming the galaxy and would show Anakin her different weapons she was learning to use- a wicked blade that made Anakin’s vision momentarily black out with how  _ beautiful _ it was, made of a lovely metal that shimmered and gleaned against the light with a handle that fit wonderfully in his hand. Then Ahsoka would tease him and try to push his buttons and she was that same little fourteen year old youngling that he would give him side hugs when hard campaigns were done and over with. His little sister. 

Because, Anakin thought when he watched Ahsoka play with Luke’s little toes or use the Force to wave a ringing toy over the children’s heads, he was sure that what he felt for her was what it felt like to have a sister. He could only compare it to the feelings he held for Obi-Wan, which were much more complex and confusing, but the heart of it was the same: Anakin found them both annoyingly endearing, and loved them so much it made his chest ache. 

“Hey, Skyguy?” Ahsoka asked as she stretched out on the floor next Anakin, who had little Leia lying on her stomach on top of his bare chest. Anakin turned his head to glance at Ahsoka, who was watching him with a look he didn’t quite understand. “I’ve really missed you since I left.”

“I missed you too Ahsoka. It didn’t feel right not to have you around anymore. Even if you didn’t come to every campaign with me, I had always at least known  _ where  _ you were. That you were safe.” After she had left, it was like she had disappeared from his life all together. Ahsoka never sent him a message, never contacted him in any way. And it hurt all the more when he had learned that Rex had contact with her, because Anakin had been her Jedi Master. They had been so kriffing close, yet she had been gone from his life. A void that he couldn’t fill. A void that had been dangerously close to spreading deeper and deeper inside of his soul. He felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes and instead he blinked and smoothed at Leia’s back. “Why did you leave me behind?”

“I- I never meant to. I mean. I. You were my Jedi  _ Master _ . The knight that so many of the younglings looked up to, the Chosen One! Even if you weren’t perfect, you  _ were _ the Jedi that so many saw as being close to. You’re so powerful in the Force and fought in the war so well. And you were my Master, Anakin. If I spoke to you then my decision would have felt like the biggest mistake of my life. So I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk to you anymore. Even though I missed you so much it felt like my chest had been ravaged and destroyed beyond repair. I  _ couldn’t _ .” A small sob escaped her lips, so heartbroken and wet that Anakin let his own tears fall. He lifted his left arm and let Ahsoka crawl towards him and set her head in his underarm, her own hands moving up to stroke at Leia’s thick hair. “Why don’t you wear a shirt?” Ahsoka said through another sob. 

“Babies need skin-to-skin contact,” Anakin replied with a shrug. It was what Padmé said at the very least, though Anakin was half sure that she just enjoyed watching him walk around the apartment with his chest bare seeing how much she had kissed at his clavicle or shoulder blade whenever she passed by him. “It really hurt me when you left. I felt so… lost. Like I was a failure. You were my padawan, and I wanted so  _ badly _ to prove that even if I wasn’t the best Jedi, I could still do good. And you left. You left me behind and didn’t speak to me and it felt like there were these walls bearing down on me, like  _ everything _ was starting to fall apart. The war continues on with no end in sight. The clones are practically slaves to the Republic. The padawan in my care had been accused of crimes and- left. The only bright spot was Padmé. I have never been the Jedi I was supposed to be, and I was scared that if I didn’t have Padmé, that…” He trailed off, too scared to say the words. To scared to admit-

That he could succumb to darkness. Let the tendrils that seemed to clung underneath his skin to envelop him whole and mix with his unending anger and frustration that mixed inside of his body like a bad concoction. He could have. He very easily could have, but it burned at his throat to even think of saying the words, so he let his words hang, let Ahsoka cuddle closer to him, her tears falling onto his chest, as she gave a little gasp and shook her head. Anakin would have, could have, especially when it felt like he had no one. That everyone he  _ loved  _ with his whole being didn’t give a care to him anymore, that they could turn their backs to him if he slipped up. They didn’t. Thank the Force they didn’t, but for years he felt like he was precariously walking on an edge with no railing and no true balance to keep him steady.

“I’m sorry,” Ahsoka said, quiet and broken. 

Anakin shook his head. “No, hey, it’s okay. I didn’t mean to make you feel sad or responsible for it. They were my emotions. It was just how I felt, you couldn’t help that. I’m the adult here you know.”

“But I  _ knew _ . I knew you felt awful about yourself, about your place in the Order, about how much you cared about me. And I left anyway.” Another little sob escaped her lips and she pressed her wet face into his neck and they laid there, crying and crying and letting out the emotions that had built up and up and up and up without any words or actions expressed before. They laid there and they cried and they breathed until little Leia wriggled around and wailed out. Anakin cradled his daughter in his arms as he sat up, sniffed at her diaper- nope- before feeling that reach in the Force, gentle yet persistent. Hungry. Leia. “Oh wow,” Ahsoka gasped. “Wow.”

Anakin grinned as he stood up. “I know, right? She and Luke are pretty strong within the Force already.” They would cause impressions to enter Anakin’s mind, emotions and needs that they wanted done  _ immediately _ . The first time he had felt their little presence close to his mind, Anakin had paused and grinned. The twins were so pure, so full of light, it was like nothing else he had ever felt within the Force, so untainted and beautiful it brought tears to his eyes. Anakin kissed the top of Leia’s head as he moved to the bedroom, where Leia was breastfeeding Luke while reading through something on a datapad. “Hey, got room for another little sucker?”

Padmé’s lips twitched as she glanced up from her pad. “Do not call our children ‘little suckers.’ Commit and call them little parasites or don’t even try at all.” Anakin snickered as he handed Leia to his wife, who positioned their daughter towards her free breast, the child opening her mouth and automatically latching onto Padmé’s nipple. Anakin must have made a face because Padmé laughed as she smoothed at Leia’s head of hair. “It’s gonna be a real pain once these two get some teeth in their mouths.”

Anakin’s mouth twitched and he moved to lie in front of his wife, stroking at Luke’s back, enjoying the feeling of content that radiated from his small mind.

“Were you crying Ani?” Padmé asked, tone light as her eyes watched him, her lips pressed close together. If she had a free hand, she might have reached out to cup his cheeks, but they were occupied, so she just gazed at him with soft eyes. Her eyes were a lovely shade of brown that he could see multitudes in, so charming and dark and beautiful that it made him want to kiss at her eyebrows and stare into her eyes for hours on end, watching as they said words that didn’t need to be spoken aloud. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Anakin shook his head. “It was just- Ahsoka and I finally talked about her leaving the Jedi Order. It was- draining. But, I’m glad we talked a little about it.” He breathed out through his nose and closed his eyes. In the few days that Ahsoka had been around, her and Anakin had been dancing around the subject that had been bothering them. It was easier to sit around and tease each other and fawn over the twins than to confront their feelings. Which, really, was such a  _ Jedi _ move of them, but hey, they had to stick to what they knew best in such uncertain times. Repressing feelings until it bubbled over and all that could happen were tears and panic attacks and the gripping sensation that clutched at throats and stomachs was what seemed to be a universal for many Jedi, and it for a fact inflicted Anakin. And even if they rejected the Order, the lifestyle was still ingrained in their heads- Ahsoka especially seeing as how she lived within the creches since she was a toddler- and it was not something one could easily throw away. “What were you reading when I got in?”

It was easier to take his mind off of it, to let the sadness that had swept into him and clung to his skin like the abrasive sands of Tatooine be washed away by stories and reassuring tones that made him feel undeniably  _ happy _ , and Padmé seemed willing enough to let him change the subject this once because she gave him a smile and tilted her head to the side, causing a lock of her dark curls to fall from the messy updo she had it in. She was so beautiful, so lovely even when she was so obviously tired with dark circles underneath her eyes and the edges of shining purple stretch marks along her stomach that she frowned at but Anakin found  _ intriguing _ and a little bit of lip gloss, shiny and glimmering, smeared across her cheek. She was so stunning it made Anakin’s heart beat too fast in his chest, like he was nine again, like he was nineteen again, like he was twenty-one and hadn’t seen her months on end without the blue hue of a holo. She was lovely and already Anakin felt himself calming down. 

“Alternating between the new bill that Senator Orn Free Taa and this romance story about a Jedi in love- did you know there’s a whole subgenre dedicated to forbidden Jedi love? Sabé thinks she’s being funny by sending me copies of them, but the joke is all on her because I enjoy each and every one. Though, ours is much better than what any author could think up.” Padmé said with a mischievous glint in her eyes that made Anakin laugh. 

Anakin kissed her knee, because he had to kiss her whenever she looked at him like that. “I’ve heard about them. I think the book club that Master Gallia held at the Temple once read one of those books as a joke, but they couldn’t get through it because they would get frustrated about how the author  _ obviously _ did not do any research on the Jedi lifestyle, which lead to meditation and the general consensus that no one is allowed to read any more of those books for our collective sanity.” He smiled against his wife’s leg as he remembered when the book club had read that particular book.

It was when Anakin was twelve and Obi-Wan would bring him to the book club meetings from time to time because he was worried about Anakin’s lack of friends- not that he ever said, and it had taken Anakin years before he ever realized that Obi-Wan had been trying to get him around others to acclimate him towards other people in the Order, even if they weren’t close to his age. Anakin had laughed himself silly, the first time he had laughed in front of others within the Order besides Obi-Wan, the first time he had truly  _ laughed _ at all in his life it had felt like at the time when his sides had hurt so much and tears had rolled onto his cheeks, when these Jedi Knights and Masters bemoaned the writing of a book they all knew was going to be horrible the moment they decided to read it. 

“How is Sabé doing over at the Senate?” Anakin asked after a moment, rolling a little away from Padmé as she shifted Luke. He took hold of his son, threw a little piece of cloth set aside on the large bed over his shoulder, and began to tap at his back, urging him to burp out all he needed after eating. Sabé and Dormé had been alternating posing as Padmé for weeks, leaving from their apartment each morning and sending Padmé updates and asking for her suggestions for certain decisions to be made. Padmé usually trusted her handmaid's opinions and ideals, but the two also valued  _ hers _ , which resulted in many back and forth conversations throughout the day. Also, Anakin knew they were still dressing with the fake pregnancy stomach, which  _ had  _ to be more weight for them to bear all in all.

“The girls are doing well. Only a few of the Senators even notice the change.” Padmé rolled her eyes as she shifted Leia up to her shoulder to burp her. “I would be offended if it didn’t work perfectly for myself. I think I’m going to start heading back to the Senate, just a day or two here and there. Keep everyone on their toes. Especially with the bill Senator Orn Free Taa is trying to get passed. It’s ridiculous!” Anakin listened as his wife explained the bill the Twi’lek Senator was trying to pass through the Senate, his mind half occupied with holding his son as Luke finally belched out a little burp and wiggled his body around. Anakin never much liked the world of politics, and fighting in the war held a surprising amount of politicking around situations, but he listened to Padmé talk through it. Sometimes, she just needed to speak about it to get a better grasp of her own counterpoints, and Anakin was a willing volunteer to listen to her speak even if he didn’t care all that much about the topic at hand. When Padmé was halfway through speaking, she grabbed her pad and a stylus and began to write something out. With a laugh, Anakin kissed his wife’s chin and took Leia into his free arm, taking their twins out into the main room where Ahsoka had shifted to sitting up and watching a holodrama Anakin vaguely recognized. 

“Which is this one?” Anakin asked as he placed his children onto a thick blanket- brown and white with a design of a tusk-cat and its offspring along a field of grass and flowers. The children kicked their little legs and blink sleepily up at Anakin, their eyes- a pair dark like the rolling mounds of mud along the edges of lakes and another light like rippling water- not quite meeting his, but gazing at him nonetheless as he set near them. 

“It’s the detective one with that handsome Twi’lek pirate.” Ahsoka said as she powered down the show. Anakin nodded his head- a lot of the clones liked to watch that holodrama in particular  _ because _ of the handsome Twi’lek actor. Anakin was pretty sure that man’s face was immortalized on a transport ship somewhere, and he couldn’t exactly blame the clones for it. Though the show was, as far as Anakin gathered, kriffing banthashit. “Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. I- I kind of wanted to ignore all of the bad, but I realized I’ve been unfair to you, so I said something. It’s so  _ weird _ , seeing you like this. I remember always seeing how you would perk up and smile at Padmé whenever you saw her and thinking ‘that’s so cute, it’s like he has a crush.’ And then I realized, maybe it goes both ways for them. And then Rex commed me and said you had a wife and it made so  _ much  _ sense. 

‘Everything made sense. I knew you weren’t a perfect Jedi, but you tried so hard to be what you weren’t. It’s nice seeing you just living in the moment and being happy. It’s also weird, I mean can you at least  _ try _ to wear a shirt? I’ve been here for days and you either wear see-through lace or nothing at all. It’s getting a bit out of hand.” Ahsoka wrinkled her nose and stuck her tongue out at him. 

“Hey, Padmé deserves to see this after so many months of not being able to have it.” Anakin stuck his tongue out at Ahsoka, who laughed and shook her head at him. “Are you happy?”

Ahsoka hummed as she thought. “I think I can be.” She smiled at Anakin and he smiled back. It was so much easier now that they both weren’t Jedi, weren’t soldiers, when they could just smile at each other and coo at the babies and speak freely about their feelings without feeling an underlying fear of  _ this isn’t the Jedi way. _ The wall they had built between them was gone, they were simply two friends, a brother and a sister not in arms, but of choice. Ahsoka smiled at him and Anakin smiled back, a happiness he never thought he would feel swirling about them like a great wind. 

Ahsoka left a few days later, leaving with kisses to the four of their cheeks and promises to comm whenever she could. “I promise Anakin, I’m not leaving you behind again,” she said as she looked up at him. She was so close to his height now it hurt his chest, but he smiled back at her and nudged her shoulder. 

“See you around, Snips.” He raised a hand, the puffy sleeve of the yellow shirt he wore dropped to his elbow. This new life of his took a little getting used to, but Anakin found he enjoyed it- the care, the clothes, the daily routine, the way he opened his eyes and saw his beautiful wife each and every morning, the peace he had never before felt that settled inside of him. He watched Ahsoka off, but it was alright, because he knew he would hear from her again, like how he heard from Obi-Wan and Rex and even Cody.

“This is gross,” Anakin laughed as he poked at the black piece of umbilical cord that had fallen off Leia’s little bully button. Luke’s umbilical cord had come off a few days before hers, and the novelty of it still hadn’t worn off. It was just  _ gross _ . Small dried black stumps that just lay there. Gross. “Should we keep them both?”

“Why would we keep them?” Padmé asked as she scrunched her nose in disgust. 

“You have a box with my old hair in it.” Anakin pointed out with a grin. 

Padmé seemed to take offense to that, her shoulders straightening and her mouth pursed as she shook her head at him. “That’s your padawan braid! It’s full of meaning! This is our children’s umbilical cords Ani! They should go in the waste. Especially since they  _ are _ gross.” She shook her head again, her hand moving to hover over the little dried black stumps that were set on the dresser, side by side.

“My mother kept mine. She had this little cloth she would keep on her that held my umbilical cord, a few of my fallen teeth, a lock of my hair from the first time it had been cut.” Anakin’s mother had shown him the contents of the cloth she kept so close to herself, letting him pick up his own teeth, so small and incomprehensibly once a part of him, and to smooth at the hair that had been tied together by a strip of leather made of long dried bantha skin. That cloth had been on his mother when she died, and Anakin had let it burn with her body, his child self, the boy she had once known cremating along with her. 

Padmé’s hands set down next to the umbilical cords. “What happened to the teeth you lost when you joined the Order?”

Anakin smiled and turned to look at his wife. “Obi-Wan kept them. He started it out as a way to appease me, but I think now it’s proof that he raised me. He could have just gotten me to throw out my teeth like other Jedi Masters, but he kept mine. I guess that’s why I always saw Obi-Wan as a father to me. He still has the pouch of my youngling teeth in his room at the Temple.” Anakin had lost a tooth a few months after he had been taken into the Jedi Order. The moment it had dislodged from his gums, Anakin had spit the bloody tooth into his hand, ran into Obi-Wan’s room where the man was sleeping to shake him awake and drop his tooth in the man's hand. Obi-Wan had stared at Anakin, at the tooth, and back again before saying, “alright then.” It had taken Anakin a few minutes of discussing that his mother kept his teeth and he didn’t like the idea of Obi-Wan throwing his tooth out in the waste when it had been something very important and an instrumental part of himself, but the older man had relented and eventually bought a pouch just for the rest of Anakin’s teeth. LIke he was his parent, his father. 

“I’ll have to find a box for these then.” Padmé replied, and it took Anakin a moment to realize that she was talking about their child’s umbilical cords. “I don’t want to mix them in with my box that’s full of everything you’ve given me.”

“And what’s in that box?” 

Padmé grinned at him as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Your padawan braid, the japor snippet you gifted me, rocks and flowers and necklaces. That portrait of you in the nude.” Her fingers tickled at his waist and Anakin laughed as he pulled away from her. The portrait had been on a piece of flimsiplast, drawn by one of his clone troopers- appropriately called Artie, which was in fact short for the name ‘Arthur’- who had begged him for another subject to draw that wasn’t one of his brothers. Anakin had jokingly asked if he could get a nude painting out of it, to which Artie’s eyes lit up at the idea of practicing a new skill. So the nude portrait he had gifted to Padmé, who had laughed and said, serious and straight-faced, that she would cherish it forever.

Anakin didn’t have anything like that, keepsakes he kept close to him, saved and cherished and loved and full of memories and happiness. Maybe once he would have said that his lightsaber, always on his side and made by his own two hands and proof of his life within the Jedi Order. But, he no longer had his lightsaber. What he did have was this- his family, and a box that would now hold his twins umbilical cords. It was a start; this was the beginning of his new life and it made him grin as he moved to tickle his wife back, chasing her around the bedroom as she giggled and laughed and dodged his hands until he finally wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her up to his shoulder, laughing and kicking her legs the whole time. 

The beeping of a comm caused their laughter to halt, and Anakin moved towards the sound as he slowly lowered Padmé from his arms. “Is that yours?” Padmé asked as she turned around and helped search for the cause of the beeping. “Here it is. It is yours.” She held out his comm, “I’ll leave you be, I need to pump.” She made a face and Anakin mouthed a ‘sorry’ as he spotted a splotch of wetness across her chest. Padmé simply patted his arm as she left the room, so Anakin sighed and answered the comm. 


	4. i kept my mouth shut and opened up the door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "unfucktheworld" by angel olsen

The Senate building had an air of efficiency that always made Anakin’s spine straighten up so he walked tall with his chin held up and his hands clasped tight together behind his back. He never felt fully comfortable in the building, with the people who walked along in clothes so beautiful and rich it made Anakin wonder how much food could have been bought off their headpiece alone. Though, he might be close enough to one of them, being married to a Senator who wore priceless clothes, walking into the building in his own soft and beautiful clothes that had to be more expensive than he could ever imagine. Still, he never felt inadequate and small with Padmé like he did when he came near the people in the Senate. 

He could feel as eyes made a double back to look at him. He wasn’t an unusual sight within the Senate building, but he was not dressed like how any of them were used to seeing him- as a Jedi in bland robes that hung over his body, both noticeable and able to blend into the background as another fixture on Coruscant. No, he was no longer Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker. The man who walked through the Senate building, head high and hands behind his back, dressed in a[ striped gray and white shirt with a high collar](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/769974867530933873/) and juts at the shoulders and gray trousers with round white beads sewed along the deep pockets and held up by a thick black belt, so unlike a Jedi, was Anakin Amidala.

“Master Skywalker?” A voice called from across the hall, and Anakin glanced over and met Senator Bail Organa’s eyes, the man standing tall with a group of other senators and aides who all looked at Anakin with unabashed curiosity that seemed to grate against his nerves for a second before he could force away his own distrust and wariness to others staring at him. 

Anakin smiled at the man as he strolled over, shoving his hands in his pockets. His fingers found a small round bead that must have fallen from the pants in the pocket. “Senator Organa. It’s just Anakin now, actually, seeing as I’m no longer a Jedi.” He inclined his head in a bow, his smile growing when he saw the older man’s face soften and smile right back. Anakin wasn’t very close to Senator Organa, but he respected him and Padmé cared for him, and the man had always been kind towards Anakin. 

“Well, that sure answers the question of if the Order changed their uniform,” Senator Organa gave a small chuckle and Anakin raised a hand to hide his own chuckle behind, a habit he seemed unable to shake for when in front of officials. He always had an issue of making snarky remarks and laughing behind politicians backs and Obi-Wan had gotten him to at least  _ try _ to hide his lips from view. A few of the senators and aides shifted about, looking surprised and like they wanted to ask questions upon questions, but Senator Organa seemed to keep them quiet as he asked, “What brings you here today if you are no longer a Jedi Knight?” 

“The Chancellor. It seems that news of my leaving the Jedi Order and the war has finally reached him, and he contacted me to meet in person.” The comm had been both unexpected yet not. Palpatine had always had a sort of fondness for Anakin, so him leaving the Order and the war- his status as a general- must have been a surprise. Anakin hadn’t spoken personally to the old man in months besides while on campaign, and he had made a point  _ not  _ to visit since Palpatine had to be too busy to have Anakin bother him. There had been a tingling fear at the edge of Anakin’s spine, a worry that manifested with the thought of-  _ what if the Chancellor wanted to get Anakin back into the thick of it _ ? If anyone had the power to get an ex-Jedi out into the battlefield again, it was Palpatine, and Anakin always found himself getting pulled into situations by the older man’s wishes. 

“How could you leave the Jedi in times like this?” A voice, hard and high pitched, spoke up, a rush of sudden anger washing over the speaker- a young Rodian woman with her green hands clutched tightly onto a datapad as she stared at Anakin with her large galaxy-like eyes. She must have been an aide, because a young human woman standing nearby elbowed the Rodian woman in the side, but her anger and her stare did not budge. “We’re in a war that cripples us and our people each and every-”

“Cripple you? Perhaps your family back on Rodia find themselves suffering in these hard times, perhaps you feel stifled and unable to grasp the situation when you watch and find that everyday more and more battles are won or lost or to be continued and bills that you think will help  _ don’t _ , but cripple you?” Anakin held up his prosthetic arm, the black mechanics shining under the bright lights of the hall. By now it was simply an extension of himself, it moved like a flesh and blood arm, and due to him unable to take it off while fighting the war it had become integral for him, but it was so obviously  _ not  _ him. It was the very first thing of his that had been taken from the kriffing war. Anger boiled inside of his stomach, the kind of always began to roil and shift whenever he stepped into this damned building, but he calmed himself as he lowered his arm. “We are in a war, but my life isn’t in devotion to it or the Jedi Order. Now if you’ll excuse me. It was great seeing you Senator Organa.” Anakin inclined his head, gave the man a tight smile, and strode off. 

His breath and heart were too fast. Anakin turned a corner and pressed his back against a wall as he breathed in through his nose, steadying himself with each inhale. Why had he gotten so angry? Why did his stomach feel like the beginning of a sandstorm, so vicious and unrelenting and tempestuous. It was always like this whenever he found himself inside the Senate building, and while most of it was the underlying anxiety that emitted from the sentients working there, Anakin had assumed it was his own nerves- of being caught, of the war, of the uncertainties. Yet, these past two weeks Anakin had been the calmest he had ever felt and the winding anger was still very much inside of him, ready to be set off with a glance, a touch, a word. 

He breathed in. He thought of how only half an hour earlier, he had held Padmé in his arms and they had laughed together, how Padmé had tickled at his sides and reminded him of the nude portrait drawing she had of him, how he had kissed at little Leia’s and Luke’s heads when he left the apartment for the first time since they had been born. He breathed in. 

There was a spiral of  _ something _ that seemed to cling into his skin even as he calmed himself down, but Anakin sighed and let it be. He’ll meditate once he gets back home. Take off his shirt and lie with one of the babies on his chest as he spoke of stories that his mother used to tell him back on Tatooine to help soothe them. Once this was over with. Once he spoke to Palpatine and left, maybe he would settle down. Maybe it was nerves. He hadn’t spoken to the man one-on-one in months, and he had an irrational sudden fear that Palpatine more than anyone else would be disappointed that he was no longer a part of the Jedi Order. 

Just breathe, he reminded himself as he shoved himself off the wall and continued forward towards the Chancellor's office, just breathe and he would be right back home before he knew it. Breathe. Step forward, step again, breathe, ignore the well of anger and fear that was slowly being dug up inside of him as he stepped closer and closer and- 

Anakin stopped in front of the large doors of the Chancellor's office before knocking. His ears were ringing. The doors opened and Anakin stepped inside, his heart beating a little too fast in his chest. Palpatine was sitting at his desk, speaking, but Anakin wasn’t quite paying attention as he took in the man’s pallor face and the tight line of his shoulders. “Sit,” the Chancellor said, and Anakin snapped awake and nodded his head as he moved to sit on the uncomfortable seat across from Palpatine. Padmé and Senator Organa would joke that Palpatine had the worst seats in the Senate so that people would leave him quickly. He couldn’t help but think it true as he crossed his legs at his ankles and clasped his hands in his lap. 

“I was truly surprised to hear about your  _ departure _ from the Jedi Order. I cannot believe that the Council would do this to you.” The old man shook his head with a frown as he raised his hands up to rest near his chin. “And during the war no less! Once the news erupts, I’m not sure what the morale of the people of the Republic will be.”

“I’m one Jedi, Chancellor.” Anakin answered. It was the truth. While he had worried about how his men would fare and what his leaving would impact them and others, he was only one man, and there was only so much he could do. No matter what the Senate thought. Anakin wasn’t the Chosen One, he couldn’t be, he was one man, and there would always be others who could take his place in the war. If the clones were so easily replaceable, then so were Jedi. “I’ve been gone from the warfront for two weeks now Chancellor, and judging by the fact that you didn’t even notice my absence, I think the war’s going to continue on just fine without me.” He waved a hand, feigning carelessness despite the worry that ate at his insides, so sudden and overwhelming after the happiness that had been so apparent in him since the twins were born seemed to have burned away in the acidity of it. 

He breathed in. 

Palpatine hummed and shook his head. “Anakin, I fear that the Jedi Council has made a grave mistake by forcing you away from them.  _ You _ alone are the Chosen One. You are the only one who could end this war, who could end the  _ Sith _ ! And what have they done to you? Kicked you out of their Order when you have fought the hardest, been the soldier the Jedi Order needed when they decided to forgo their peacekeeper facade. You deserve more Anakin. More than they have ever given you. Kicking you out…” The old man shook his head and clucked his tongue, and a confusing anger washed over Anakin, his breath suddenly uneven. 

Why was he angry?

It wasn’t true.

He knew it wasn’t true. 

The Chosen One was not him. Maybe. It was still up for debate, but Anakin didn’t want the burden of being the Chosen One hanging over his head any more. It was hard enough the Qui-Gon had set the expectations when he was a child, so young and unknowing, but Anakin was done letting it define him just because he was strong in the Force. And sure, technically Anakin had been kicked out of the Order, but at the end of the day, he had accepted it. The Order wasn’t for him. It had helped raise him into the man he was now, it had given him a home, but in the end, the Jedi Order was not for him. It was decided the moment he kissed Padmé on Naboo, when they married, when they kept their love and secret and hid behind pillars and desks and walls. His life as a Jedi had been over when he was nineteen, but Anakin had gripped at the familiarity, the lifestyle, the people, for years so he could never lose it. But, he was no longer a Jedi, yet he still had everything he had tried so hard to keep close to.

Palpatine was wrong. He didn’t understand. And this  _ anger _ , so biting and obvious, an itch that made Anakin want to stand up and spread out his hands and  _ scream _ \- scream so loud and haunting and  _ why why why why why why did everything have to happen to him _ \- didn’t make sense. It was wrong. This was all wrong. Anakin bit the inside of his lip and clenched his hands in his lap as he thought of Padmé and Luke and Leia and Artoo and Threepio, back home. The happiness, the content, the love, the pureness that drenched everything and made his shoulders untense and a smile so organically spread across his face. He thought of his home. Of his family. 

Why was he so angry?

“It. I.” Anakin growled in frustration and dug his palms over his eyes, seeing a myriad of shining, starlike colors across his vision of black. He thought of how small the socks they put on the twins hands were. So tiny. So small. They made Anakin laugh every time he adjusted them on the twins little hands. Padmé would wind her arms around his waist and kiss at his spine as he did so. He breathed in. “I have no issues with the Order, Chancellor. I know that some people will find it outrageous, I know people won’t like it, but it was for the best. I’m no longer a Jedi. And I’m at peace with it. I hope you and others can be as well. Now, I must get going. I-” Anakin struggled to grapple for  _ anything _ to excuse him leaving, because most of the time he wanted to leave a situation he simply said he had important Jedi business he had to attend to. Oh Force, he couldn’t just up and leave situations and conversations he didn’t want to be a part of anymore. “I have a job interview!” Nice save. 

Palpatine frowned. “You just arrived.”

Holy kriff did he? Anakin felt so emotionally drained he could have been here for hours, but he glanced up and realized that, really, he had just sat down not even five minutes ago. Anakin licked his lips and laughed, “Oh well, I guess I can spare a few more minutes then. Sorry, I’m, um, kind of nervous. Never had a job interview before.” Now would be a good time for the Senate to get attacked, because the air had turned stale and awkward and Anakin couldn’t quite look at the Chancellor’s pale face. He breathed in. 

“Well, why not take a job for me? No interview required.” Palpatine grabbed a piece of candy from a dish on his desk, and offered to Anakin, who shook his head no. The candies Palpatine was fond of were much too sweet for Anakin’s taste buds and would stick in between his teeth uncomfortably. He preferred the candied bugs Obi-Wan would order specifically for him from the catalog the Jedi kept in the communal kitchens. “I would appreciate your experience, and we could always use your analytical mind.” 

Anakin, who had only ever heard others call him ‘analytical’ jokingly after a plan he made up along the way actually worked, smiled and nodded his head with a shrug. “I don’t know sir. I think I want to step away from- politics.” Anakin supported the Republic, the ideals of democracy, and Padmé, but he was done dealing with politics firsthand. He would try his best for the clones, for the misdeeds against sentients along the Outer Rim, but he was done working to the bone for the Chancellor. He was no longer a Jedi who had to shut his mouth and follow along. He was his own man. He was Anakin Amidala. And he would do only what he wished to from now on, unburdened by orders by others. “I hope you understand, Chancellor. My life is no longer in service to the Jedi Order or the Republic. It’s mine and mine only.”

A wave of anger, so deep and full of hatred it made Anakin’s lungs contract and his breath felt tight against his throat, dark and horrible and hungry seemed to flash through the room, but the moment Anakin felt it, it was gone and Anakin was left to wonder if he was losing himself. Palpatine smiled at Anakin, thin lips tight and white as he nodded his head. “You’ve grown so much in these past few months. I hardly recognize you.” 

Unsure how to answer, Anakin shrugged his shoulders and stood up, “I guess I have some good friends willing to help me along my path.” Before he could say anything else, the door opened up, revealing Bail Organa, Senator Mon Mothma, a Rodian with the aide who had scolded Anakin, and Sabé-dressed-as-Padmé with Captain Typho not too far away from her. It must have been something urgent if they had all arrived together to discuss business with the Chancellor, and Anakin wondered how Padmé was remotely dealing with the situation while taking care of the twins alone. Anakin glanced at Sabé- a mole had been drawn on her face that was slightly too high but he was sure that no one other than him who had studied his wives face far longer than he had studied anything else would notice the inconsistency, her face had been contoured to look more like Padmé’s, and there was a hint of a round stomach underneath the large skirts she wore- and gave her a silly smile before attempting to make it more natural. Chances were that everyone in the room knew it wasn’t Padmé, but it was good for him to play along anyways. “Senator Amidala.” 

Sabé smiled and glanced down at her clasped hands. “Anakin. I’ve heard the news about your leaving the Jedi Order. It’s,” she bit at her lip, “shocking to say the least. I know we will all miss your service to our cause. Though, I must say, the new clothes suit you.” Her voice was pitched higher, a voice modulator to help sound more like Padmé most likely lodged in her throat. If it weren’t for the mole, Anakin could have easily mistaken her for his wife.

Anakin grinned- Sabé had always been a little cheeky and just the other day had said that Anakin’s newfound sense of fashion was a horror show reaching its climax- and placed his hands on his hips. In all honesty, he was beginning to feel trapped in the clothes and in the oppersive, sickly anger that still clutched along his shoulders and weighed him down. But he grinned and said something that had Senator Organa chuckle and cover his mouth and Sabé-dressed-as Padmé smile as though they were in on a secret together- and they were he supposed- and Anakin left the room with a final goodbye to Palpatine and a shared look with Sabé. 

The further he walked away from the damned Senate building, the more the anger and the worry and the aggravation and everything that felt so  _ awful  _ washed away from his bones. He breathed in the fresh air of Coruscant and glanced up at the hundreds of speeders that flew across the sky in ribbons of color against the blue and breathed in again and again and again, and it was all gone until he was simply Anakin Amidala again, and none of it clung to him. Anakin glanced back at the Senate building. Before, he would have thought the weight of all that would have been the combined stress of himself and each and every Senator that resided within the building, but now-

That stress did not live within his gut any longer, a parasite eating away at him until he was raw and panting and doubled over in the effort. That stress was gone from him the moment he had handed his lightsaber to Mace Windu. The moment he was free from ties that had been made for him and not crafted from his own decisions. Yet, the oppressive heat of anger and worry and everything horrible still lay within that building like it was ready to swallow him whole, and Anakin didn’t know what to make of it. So he breathed in, slowly and again and again and again until he found a sort of peace in his own thoughts. 

He headed home, towards Padmé, Artoo and Threepio, and Luke and Leia.

The mole of Padmé’s face was slightly too high and to the right. That was the first thing Anakin noticed. The next was how sweat plastered her curls to her forehead and the clench of her jaw. It was familiar- similar to how she had looked when the twins were born, but it was off. This wasn’t a memory. No, Padmé clenched her teeth and groaned and screamed into her throat, asking “Where’s Ani, where is he? Where’s Ani?” 

_ I’m right here. I _ was _ there. I held your hand and kissed your forehead. _

Padmé screamed, so loud and broken, and Anakin watched as she lay against the bed, her eyes closing, her body weak. The mole on her face was slightly too high and to the right. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t right. There was sweat plastered to her forehead, and the cries of a child. The mole on her face was slightly too high and to the right. Her body was so weak, so fragile, her cries breaking inside of her throat as she called out. T

Anakin’s eyes opened and he glanced up at the ceiling before turning to look at the two babies that lay sleeping between him and Padmé, whose hand was resting near Luke’s little arm. He blinked as he studied her face, at the curls that she had accidentally left in a ponytail, the moles on her face that were set correctly, at the way her eyes moved behind her eyelids in her sleep. Anakin reached over and smoothed at her hair. Padmé’s eyes blinked open and met his own. “Ani?” She whispered, rough and quiet. 

The words he asked were quiet and not well thought out, a string of words he could not yet process, but pushed out of his mouth anyways, “Can Palpatine tell you and Sabé apart?” Her mole had been off, just slightly, in a way that someone who never stared at Padmé’s beautiful face for so long she was forever ingrained in their mind's eye could be able to mistake and think- this is Padmé, nothing if off, nothing is wrong. Anakin’s thumb caressed Padmé's eyebrow, moving the small hairs back and forth, back and forth to soothe his soul from the dream that had nonetheless shaken him no matter the fact that he didn’t believe in it, as he waited for her answer.

Padmé blinked sleepily at him. “No. He never cared much for women. Are you okay Ani?” Her voice was filled with sleep, half invested in their quiet conversation as her eyes fought to stay open. Anakin moved his hand to press the top of his finger against the mole on her cheek.

Palpatine couldn’t tell the handmaidens apart from Padmé. It made his chest ache and his breath quicken. Anakin thought of his dream, of the false vision of Padmé dying in childbirth, of the mole that was not quite right on her face, and he shook his head. “Go back to sleep. I need to talk to the Jedi Council. I’ll- I’ll be back home soon. I love you.” He kissed her cheek, her warm breath hit his cheek as he pulled away. Their breath mingled together, unsure and small gasps of breath as Anakin attempted to wrestle his thoughts together. It could be nothing, but it didn’t feel like it was. The Force seemed to whisper in his chest- he was right, what his thoughts were beginning to turn to was the truth, hard and cold and unwelcome, but true. Anakin pressed his lips against Padmé’s, a hand carefully cupping along her jaw as he slipped his tongue into her mouth and tasted the mint lingering on her breath that she had eaten before slipping into bed. She would chew on the leaves before bed, apparently it was a little tradition that many new parents on Naboo would do and sometimes Anakin would grab his own leaves to chew on as well as they settled their weepy eyed children onto their chests and sang to them until they fell asleep in their arms. 

“Is something happening?” Padmé whispered into his mouth as they pulled apart. 

Anakin thought of the mole that was too high and to the right. Of the dark anger that had pushed at him the closer and closer he had walked inside of the Senate building. “Maybe. Just, stay put. I’ll borrow a speeder and be back as soon as I can.” He pressed one last kiss to her lips before leaning down to kiss at the sleeping twins foreheads. The Force danced around them, singing a tune of content and something that was purely  _ home and love and everything _ , and Anakin let it wash over him as shoved on a shirt and as he left their apartment. No matter what he would keep them safe. His little Leia, his sweet Luke. Padmé. He would keep them safe. Because-

That was what life was all about. No matter if he was a slave or a civilian or a Jedi, everything was about keeping the ones closest to him safe, and now, both all too suddenly and not, like a crescendo of symbols and bells that screamed and tore into his ears, this had been building up and up, and now that he had realized it- now that he realized it he had to do all he could to fight against the darkness welling up. His mind flashed with memories, with conversations, with touches that spread a darkness inside his chest and mind that not even he could pick out, so subtle and discreet. Anakin’s blood rushed in his ears- the crescendo that beat along his eardrums and made his stomach feel hollow as he blindly flew through the city towards the Jedi Temple, uncaring of the drunks in their speeders playing around or the  _ peedunkys _ attempting to race others in the middle of the speedway, able to get away with it due to the late time.

The speeder screeched loudly in the quiet hangar as Anakin rushed in, but he paid no mind as he jumped out. A clone standing guard stood straight and caught his eye, seeming momentarily surprised as he called something out that seemed dull in comparison to the beating in Anakin’s ears. Anakin said something more or less about needing to see the Grand Master Yoda as he rushed through. Despite the night, there were quite a few nocturnal prescenes that watched Anakin march into the Temple. He reached out into the Force, sensing Master Yoda- awake and with a tinge of worry as he must have felt Anakin’s own presence- along with several other members of the Jedi High Council in the Council room. Absently, he wondered what had happened for them all to be meeting so late, but he brushed it aside as he moved purposely towards the room. Force, this was probably a bad idea, but the calm that had set inside of him with his children had long ago washed away, replaced with a jarring fear that curled up towards his dry mouth. Kriff it. 

Anakin stepped into the Council room. His presence was clearly long ago acknowledged because there was no surprise in his sudden appearance and Master Yoda simply declared, “Disturbing this late visit is young Skywalker.” Business as usual. 

“Anakin? Is something the matter? Are the children safe?” Obi-Wan asked and Anakin clutched to his familiar voice like a vice, glancing over at his former master, a projection of shimmering blue. His hand was in his beard and his eyes were wide and watching Anakin.

His mouth opened and he shook his head before he could find his voice. “No, no, the twins are safe. They’re fine. It’s just- I think.” His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and he wanted to curl up into himself and expel everything in his stomach onto the floor. Anakin breathed in, slow and steady. “I think I may have learned who the Sith Lord is.” No longer was he a Jedi, but it was because of his loose ties that he was able to connect the dots, to find a peace to crack years of lies shrouded in uncertain times. Before anyone could open their mouths Anakin plowed on, needing to get all of the information- no matter how silly it sounded- out into the air. “I had a vision, yet I know it cannot be true. It was of my wife dying in childbirth. She was crying out for me, and maybe I would have fallen for the lies if it wasn’t for my wife giving birth two weeks ago and the fact that the moles on her face weren’t right.’

‘When I had visited the Chancellor, there was an anger in the air that churned my stomach, something I have fooled myself for years to believe was nothing more than my own anxiety of the war, but it’s  _ not _ . It’s dark and evil and full of ill-intent. Palpatine keeps trying to twist my emotions, to get angry at the Council and the Jedi Order, to stay by his side. Palpatine cannot tell the difference between Padmé or one of her handmaidens, he doesn’t care about that, as long as he thinks he has a pawn to hold above my head. He’s- he’s been orchestrating all of this. Forcing us all to become something we aren’t. Jedi are soldiers. Jedi are forced to follow along to his every word.” Anakin’s breath was short and he had begun speaking with his hands, making large movements, his distress bubbling underneath his skin.

The Council members shifted in their seats, murmuring and taking in his words, their voices increasing in volume as they spoke to one another, unsure, yet recounting their own feelings about the Chancellor. Most have never spent more than half an hour with the man. Never have spent as much time with him as Anakin had. Anakin had thought himself special, but he wasn’t. He was a kriffing pawn in that man's game. It was clear the more Anakin thought of it. Nothing more than a pawn, a slave, following along to a master he was blind to truly seeing in front of his very eyes. “Skywalker, I will admit I trust your instincts, but even so, I doubt that we have much weight on ‘the Chancellor is misogynistic’ and claims of the Force.” Mace Windu pinched at his nose and sighed. At least he believed Anakin, that was more than he had expected when he had opened his mouth.

Anakin glanced down at his hands. There was something beginning to form on the edge of his mind, a way to get more information. A way to keep his family safe. “I might have a plan to get further evidence against the Chancellor and to stop this war. It will require some work, some finesse, and some thinking on our feet.” He glanced up and smirked as he met Obi-Wan’s eyes. 

“Oh, so a regular plan of yours?” Obi-Wan piped up with a grin. Even through the holo Anakin could see the teasing sparkle within his eyes. It was endlessly reassuring. Even now, wherever the older man was, he had Obi-Wan. “Even without Anakin in the Order, we still get to go along with one of his reckless plans.”

“My worst nightmare,” Windu muttered not quite under his breath before sighing and asking, “What do you propose we do Skywalker.”

Anakin breathed in. He thought of Padmé lying in bed with their children, of the lies that had weaved into not only their lives but into the lives of the Republic. Anakin stood there, sleep still edged along his eyes, wearing soft sweatpants and a sheer white shirt he had grabbed at without looking when he had left the apartment in his daze, and he laid out the plan he had begun forming in his mind the moment the Council members had turned to speak to each other. It was rough, and it made his heart beat too fast along his throat, but it was the best he had and if there was any chance that he was right then it had to be done. He breathed out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such a hard time writing this chapter :( this is palpatine's fault! Overall I liked this chapter so I hope you guys did too! Please tell me your thoughts, your comments fuel me :3


	5. now i perch above you meticulous bird of prey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from "Meticulous Bird" by Thao & the Get Down Stay Down

The little hair tie was made of a sparkling silver and blue ribbon that shone like a star. Anakin hummed and muttered a few half-forgotten words of a children’s rhyme that the younglings in the Temple would sing in the creches. Anakin had wrapped it around his daughter's thick hair, pulling the brown curls up on top of her head. He righted her in his arms as he turned towards where Padmé sat holding a wriggling Luke in her arms as she attempted to set down his cowlicked hair down on his head. While Anakin had put on a little blue dress on Leia, his wife had put Luke in a soft yellow tunic. 

Obi-Wan was napping on the corner of their couch, sitting up right and with his leg crossed up high on his knee. He had shown up late the night before to talk in person to Anakin to finalize preparations, standing out on the balcony with his cloak hood covering his face and Anakin bare chested and chasing away small gooseflesh from his arms in the cold night air because he had been caught in bed with one of the twins sleeping soundly on his chest. When they finally come to a natural end to their planning, his former master had turned to Anakin with a small smile and nudged at his shoulder as he said, “You know Anakin, sometimes you make me wish I ever took up smoking my troubles away” which was, objectively, hilarious, but there was a fear that had begun edging around him as their plans settled. Anakin had only grinned at his former master, his brother, his father, his best friend, and laughed because there was nothing he could say that could reassure him. 

The droids hovered near the sleeping Obi-Wan, Threepio futilely attempting to shush Artoo to keep him from possibly waking Obi-Wan while talking in a voice that was much louder than the astromech’s own chiming beeps of binary. Anakin grinned and moved to kick lightly at Threepio’s leg. “C’mon you two, leave Obi-Wan alone for a while longer. Knowing him this is the most sleep he’s gotten since his last campaign and I doubt any of his men will take it lightly if either one of you accidently woke him,” Anakin snickered as he shifted Leia in his arms and watched as Threepio gasped as Artoo beeped out what was more or less a ‘ _I told you so_ ’ but with more expletives than necessary as they moved away from the couch where Obi-Wan slept peacefully and down the hall. 

“I think that was a little mean Ani.” Padmé said with a small curling smile on her yellow-painted lips as she finally gave up on trying to settle down their son's cowlick. Anakin just shrugged his shoulders and sat next to her at the dining table. “Oh Ani, you’re so good at doing her hair. She looks so precious.”

“I just tied a ribbon in her hair.” Anakin chuckled and kissed the top of Leia’s head as she moved slightly at his shoulder to look at his face. She opened her mouth and cooed and Anakin cooed right back as he stared into her deep brown eyes and felt the way the Force sang with jubilance at the attention, “Oh my little Leia, my little tooka-cat, you agree with Mama? You like your hair? Well, you should know my sweet little tooka-cat, that you look so cute and adorable no matter what.” He made sounds back and forth with his daughter, not quite paying attention to Padmé laughing and softly talking to Luke about how his father was ‘ridiculously cute.’

“You’re going to spoil her rotten,” Padmé said with a roll of her eyes as she held Luke close to her chest and rubbed at his back. Anakin basked in his son’s contentment, warm and smooth like the lakes of Naboo. All of the building anxiety of the last week was stifled everytime he was near his children, their happiness and innocence enough to counteract the potential of him confronting a long time friend on being a Sith Lord. 

“I can say the same about you to Luke.” Anakin raised an eyebrow and laughed when his wife pouted at him. He leaned forward to press a kiss to the tip of her nose. “Think we should wake Obi-Wan or give him some more time?” He glanced over to where his brother was still sleeping on the couch, peaceful yet Anakin was wary about the fact that his old master was sitting up while sleeping. It was both impressive and telling of how much the man let himself rest. 

Padmé hummed in thought. “He has been sleeping for about an hour and that position cannot be good for his back. Plus, it’s better to get this over with quickly before either of the twins start to get fussy. As cute as they are in these clothes I’d rather they don’t wear them for too long and risk getting them dirty.” They had decided to finally take a family photo together, and since Obi-Wan had shown up Anakin had asked him to also be in one with them. The older man had done his best to act like his eyes were not visibly shining when Anakin had asked and all Anakin could do was lean against him for a moment, not quite a hug, but enough to say _I’m here_. 

Anakin sighed and walked over towards his former master, placing a hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder as he quietly said his name. The man blinked and met Anakin’s eyes, “Anakin?” Confusion rolled over him before he seemed to register where he was and Obi-Wan sat up straight. Underneath his eyes were still dark, but he was as sharp as ever as he stood up and held a finger out to Leia. Leia gurgled at him and Obi-Wan grinned and said, “Good morning my sweet. How beautiful you look today.”

Anakin laughed and shook his head, “Stop trying to sweet talk your way into becoming the favorite uncle. Sorry to wake you up, but Padmé and I agree that it would be best to take the pictures now before these little monsters of ours somehow get their nice clothes dirty.”

Obi-Wan shrugged and waved a hand, “It’s fine, it’s fine. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but it seems that these past few days have gotten the best of me.” He stretched his arms above his head and Anakin couldn’t help but laugh when they heard about a thousand bones in Obi-Wan’s body crackle at the movement. “Oh dear, good thing none of our medics were around to hear that. I think I would have given about half of them the superiority they always try to pull over me.”

“Yeah well, they have a point Master,” Anakin said with a laugh as he led Obi-Wan towards where Padmé was sitting on a stool in front of Artoo, laughing as she instructed him where to point cam. For a second, Anakin couldn’t move or breath as he looked at his, so stunning, shining like none other in the Force, for just him to see. She wore a [large green checkered jumpsuit](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/769974867530973750/) with sleeves that puffed out so large Anakin was sure they were larger than their children. Her curly hair was down and fell over her shoulders, and little shining yellow hair clips with little green gemstones held back her hair from her face. Her smile was wide and happy, and Luke was in her arms, Padmé slightly adjusting him while Threepio hovered near her as though he was Padmé was going to somehow _drop_ their son. Anakin grinned as he moved next to his wife. 

They took a few photos of just the four of them before Anakin had to nudge Obi-Wan with the Force to get him to come stand with them in the next few photos. He had even gotten the man to take a picture while holding both the twins, which ended them with a photo of Obi-Wan with his mouth half open and staring pleadly at Anakin when Leia’s face scrunched up as she’s about to cry and Luke looking wide eyed at where Anakin stood. As they finished taking family pictures, Obi-Wan helped Anakin undress the twins and put them into their normal comfortable clothes.

“Thank you for letting me in on this moment.” Obi-Wan said quietly as he concentrated on buttoning Leia’s onesie. The buttons kept slipping in his grip and Anakin was half sure he was soon going to give up and use the Force, like Anakin had done while dressing Luke.

Anakin laughed and nudged his shoulder, “C’mon, we’re brothers right? I already told you last night it was only right to have you in one. Besides, I’ve never had something like this so it’s… nice.” If he could have one picture of his mother, he would cherish it to the end of all days. In all honesty, he found as the days wore on and his body moved forward and onward, that her face in his mind was slowly, slowly, slowly dissolving, chipping away in a small blur of what was once Shmi Skywalker and was now just the past. The realization that he was forgetting his mother's face had hit him hard when he had first woke up in the middle of the night while out on a campaign, the blurred memory of her just off the edge of his vision as he stared straight ahead at a tent while troopers slept in huddles near him. It had stuck into Anakin’s heart and made his lips tremble. If he were to die, he wanted his twins to look at a photo to trace the lines of his face like he longed to know his mother’s face again. 

There was a shift in Obi-Wan, his emotions suddenly changing just as he began to say, “Anakin… if you’re right-”

Anakin sighed and shook his head, “Whatever you’re thinking Obi-Wan, stop. It will work. I will no longer let that man plague my dreams and ruin what we have all worked so hard for.” Obi-Wan had been as worried last night when Anakin had shown him the weapons he had bought for himself deep in the underground of Coruscant, along with the sleek needlepoints of poison that Padmé and her handmaidens kept on hand.

“But you have a family!”

“I’ve always had a family, Obi-Wan! I’ve always had one! That’s why I need to protect you all, because he’s threatening you! He has been for years and I’ve been too blinded to see! I refuse to let this play out any longer because who knows what will happen! If this Sith Lord wants me, then he’ll kriffing get me.” Anakin snarled out as he glanced at Obi-Wan, meeting his pale eyes. No longer would he let someone pull his strings, no longer would he stay sessile. Anakin was a man of action, always was, and he was going to rid the world of the monster who had unknowingly made a slave of him. 

With each movement, Anakin could feel the tight strap of the slugthrowers around his ankles and the knives strapped to the inside of his arms. Tears ran down his face, wet and cold, mingling with the sudden rain. The dark cloak he had wrapped around himself was soggy and clung close to his skin, but it was still enough to hide all of the weapons concealed near his body. He breathed in. He breathed out. He walked forward as a sob ripped through his throat. 

He thought of how Ahsoka’s hand had brushed his as she reached for her padawan braid. Obi-Wan’s face, distorted and changed into a mask of another’s man, a voice so unfamiliar and wrecked whispering in his ear. The terrifying thought of his wife and children somehow getting hurt- _visions, so heartbreaking it made him wake up with sweat on his brow and made his children cry out with him, of a blonde boy who stared at him with defiant eyes and a brunette girl who held up her chin and spit in his face, of an unbearable pain that spread across his body and screaming screaming screaming so loud, so loud, ringing out into nothing, Obi-Wan’s voice yelling right back at him_ \- of how he could feel the light of a clones death, because despite trying his best to close himself away from the feeling of death in the Force, his strong ability made it next to impossible to shut out a death of someone so near him. Weight, so heavy. 

His shoulders hunched as he stalked into the Senate building. He could feel the anger, red and deep, ignite inside of his stomach and he breathed in. Balance. Find a balance. He breathed in as he continued on. At this time of night, the Senate building was nearly empty, with a few sentients behind closed doors and others busy looking at flimsiplast documents or datapads. Anakin walked on, forward, ignoring the clones in red paint that stood guard around the building. He walked, he walked, he breathed, he cried, he walked. His breath stopped as he found himself standing in front of the doors. He breathed in. He opened the doors. He stepped forward. 

“Chancellor, I- I didn’t know who else to come to.” Anakin cried as he stepped inside the room, the anger inside of the room pulsing as Palpatine turned and met his eyes, taking in his soaked appearance and the way his nose and eyes were undoubtedly red and how his shoulders shook. 

“Anakin, oh dear, what has happened?” Palpatine placed a hand onto his arm, leading him towards a seating place. Anakin willingly let the man pull him along, letting a small sob escape his lips. He remembered how he had felt when he had opened his mouth and said ‘wife’ in front of so many Jedi Knights and Masters, the immediate dread that had spread across his chest when he had met their eyes and they _knew_ and there was no going back. “What has gotten you so worried? Has something happened?”

Anakin shook and opened his mouth. Nothing escaped his lips so he breathed in, shaky, and brought his left hand up to push back his wet hair from his face as he breathed out, “I- I tried to talk to Master Yoda, I tried to plead, I needed him to understand, to- to _help_ , but he won’t, no one will. No one cares! No one cares! You were right, the Jedi, they’re, they are, they’re so preoccupied and uncaring of attachments and what I had meant to them for so long that they won’t _listen_ ! My wife, she’s in danger. Padmé is in grave danger. I can _feel_ it, but it doesn’t _matter_ to them! I’ve been having these dreams, um, visions, about how she will die. Soon. She’ll die soon in childbirth yet the Jedi tell me not to dwell, to let what comes come, that my worries are of no matter. But she’s my _wife_. She’s my love. They’re turning their backs on me, all of them, and I don’t know what to do to save her. You’re the only person I can trust.”

Palpatine’s hand, large and wrinkled- yet strong, Anakin could feel underneath it all- settled onto his cheek. “The Jedi will never understand Anakin. They do not love like you. Do not feel as you do. You were right to come to me Anakin.”

Anakin’s lips trembled and he glanced down at his lap. “I have to keep Padmé safe. I’ll- I will do anything to keep her alive.” A wave of darkness washed over the room and when Anakin glanced up at the man he had looked up to for so long, he saw how the edged wrinkles along his face darkened and his mouth turned up in a smile that made his breath catch and goosebumps to rise along his arms. Palpatine hadn’t said a word yet, but Anakin knew. He had been right. Sheev Palpatine was the Sith Lord. He was the Chancellor of the Republic. Every choice he made was for the sake of the Sith. Anger- his own, deep and betrayed- bubbled inside his stomach as he took in Palpatine’s darkened features. A fool he made of them all.

“I could help you,” Palpatine whispered, low and dark. Shadows fell onto his face as he spoke, leaning forward into Anakin’s space. Anakin’s fingers twitched. “I could keep your wife alive. Kneel and pledge your allegiance to me, to the Dark Side, to the side that will give you everything you have ever wanted. Padmé will not die, we have ways to make it never happen. Kneel, my boy, and become my apprentice. Together we will make history.”

“Dark… side.” Anakin mumbled as he glanced into the old man’s eyes. This man who would give Anakin candy when he was a child, this man that had put his hands on his shoulders and made him laugh, this man that Anakin would listen to and thought he knew so much of the world, this man that Anakin had cared for, this man that was a Sith. “You’re… you’re a Sith. And you can save my wife.”

“Yes my boy. I am Darth Sidious, and together Anakin, we will have the power to topple worlds. Saving one life will be nothing.” Palpatine cocked his head to the side and grinned, ugly and red-gummed. Anakin swallowed his spit and nodded his head, he felt as another tear fell down his cheek, he leaned forward in his seat and fell to his knees, thumping hard against the ground, his head down, his hands moving inside of his cloak as he clutched onto a blaster. 

“I-” Anakin glanced up to meet his eyes. He lost so much because of this man. This Sith. This monster. Anakin pulled the blaster out of its sheath, pointed the blaster for his chest, and shot within a second. A swift movement of red caused the shot to deflect and instead land futility in the corner of the room. Anakin stood up and raised the blaster high, staring into the face of a Darth Sidious, who held up a glowing red saber and a twisted grin marring his features. Tears stained along his cheeks, Anakin met the eyes of Darth Sidious and growled out, “Why?”

Sidious laughed, high pitched and grating, head thrown back. “Oh Anakin, my boy, you are naive! You long for a family, you long for love, for everything that the Jedi will not allow, yet you still let them influence you. Think for yourself! Think! What have they done for you? They kicked you out of the Order and for what? Because you fell in love? I care Anakin! I care for you and I _will_ show you ways that the Jedi will never! With me Padmé Amidala will never die!”

Anakin shot out again, only for Palpatine to deflect it and move forward to strike at Anakin. He grunted as he moved to the side and shot a few more times at the man. Only one shot of the blaster hit, but it was only a graze along his leg that didn’t seem to do much more than sizzle and make the old man’s lips twist in anger. Kriff. Anakin wished he had asked the Council for his old lightsaber, because having it would have simplified things tenfold. But, Anakin thought as he breathed in, he could work well enough with what he had. The Force, as always, was with him, guiding his movements and curling around him like a warm blanket that would never leave his shoulders. He could feel as Obi-Wan grew closer and closer to him, a small light within the vastness of the Force, but so familiar to Anakin when he reached out. Just a few minutes, he had to deal with Palpatine and the glowing red lightsaber of his for a few more minutes before he had reinforcements. 

This was fine. 

Anakin could totally deal with this. 

He was an ex-Jedi, a once general, someone who had stood against lost causes firmly and came back with victory along his fingertips. He could deal with the Sith Lord for a few minutes. 

But by the Force it felt so long, as he shot out at the man and dodged his attacks with the saber. At some point, Sidious’s blade caught the front of his cloak, causing the still wet material to fall with a splat onto the ground in front of him, which had Anakin quickly kicking at the thick, heavy fabric and using a bit of the Force to shove it at the Sith’s face before shooting at him. The blaster fire hit Sidious’s hand as he raised it, trying to shove it away with the Force, causing him to scream out and shout obscenities at Anakin. Yeah, like any of this was going to entice Anakin towards the Dark Side. Still, the old man kept trying, his anger, his malice, so oppressive and determined, pushed along the edges of his mind, trying to latch on, trying to point out everything that had made him _feel so kriffing horrible, Ahsoka, deaths of clones who stood at his side, Obi-Wan’s-_

“SHUT UP!” Anakin yelled as he violently shook his head and threw his arms up, Force pushing the man and his prickling anger and the emotions that welled up inside of him away. Sidious hit the wall, pliant, but stood back up with a grin, with praises along his wrinkled lips. Breathe, breathe, breathe in and forget it. He and Ahsoka had spoken about her leaving, about the conflicting emotions that had occured for them. Obi-Wan had known of his relationship, of his care for Padmé, and had stayed by his side. He had held Anakin in his arms and had apologized profusely as tears had run down his face and into his beard after he had masqueraded as another man. Obi-Wan loved him like a brother. Rex and Cody were there when his twins were born, had held them and smiled and laughed and looked so free despite the invisible chains that kept them loyal to the Republic. 

Palpatine never let the clones have rights. The thought came so suddenly, that Anakin couldn’t help himself as he shot again and again and again at the man who had stood in front of hundreds- thousands- as a representative of democracy, morally against slaves for all the time Anakin had known him, had stood here now in his desperate attempts to pull Anakin towards his side by announcing that the Jedi kept him as a slave, yet he had slaves. He made all of the Republic slavers. Made Anakin complicit. The Jedi complicit. And for what? A war that he created. A war that should not have mattered for Anakin and the Jedi in the grand scheme of the Order.

“You talk as though the Dark Side will give me anything! But it won’t it will drive me down and turn me into a slave as the Separatists are slaves to Dooku, and Dooku a slave to you. And- and- maybe I’m angry, maybe I’ve always been and I _can't help it_ , but that doesn’t mean anything! I am my own man! I am not a Jedi or a Sith! So do _not_ try!” Anakin breathed out. Five minutes had come and gone, the presence he had waited for so long for was so, so close. “Stop trying to recruit me and fight me Sidious.” Anakin reached up his sleeve, pulled out a blade, and threw it towards the man, who waved his hand and caused the blade to ram and stick into the wall, about three feet high. “Kriff,” Anakin muttered as Sidious moved towards him. 

Anakin dodged to the side as he heard the doors open. The next moment was a flurry of movement as a purple blade, along with several blue and green, met the menacing glow of the red lightsaber. A green blade rolled onto the ground as a life flickered away- a young Jedi Knight who had always been so kind to Anakin while in the Temple, who had once snuck into the kitchens with Anakin to take bread rolls as though they were not allowed into the kitchens anyways, fell onto the floor with a wound through her chest gone before the saber had even left her chest. Anakin reached out for her lightsaber, and despite not being very close to the Jedi Knight (not even enough to remember what her name was at the heat of the moment), the kyber crystal that resided inside of the lightsaber welcomed him with a hum. It was like this a lot, others lightsabers would reach out to him and willingly let him use them, guiding his use of the Force. Sometimes it was as though Obi-Wan’s lightsaber cherished his use as much as the man who had found it deep in the caverns of Ilum. 

Anakin glanced up and took in who was here- Agen Kolar was trying to stab at Sidious as Obi-Wan came up to slash behind the man, Master Mace Windu was eyeing for an opening, and Aayla Secura and Quinlan Vos stood side by side with their sabers raised and a wild grin on the latter’s face. Sidious’s red blade collided with the blue blade of Obi-Wan’s, causing a purple tint to fall over their faces before Sidious pushed back at everyone with a Force push. “Anakin my boy there is _still_ time! Forget the Jedi! I can save your wife, the wife they have forsaken you over, I embrace your love and I alone will help you keep her alive.”

It was nothing more than the old man grasping at straws, at the possibility that what he said would tip Anakin into the dark. As though the false visions he fed Anakin could work. His pleads were desperate and foolish, a man backed into a corner he was unsure he could get out of. Good. That was how the damned Sith Lord should feel while in the same room as six Force-sensitives who were firmly rooted in the light. 

“From what Sidious?” Anakin asked as he stepped forward, the glowing green lightsaber of the fallen Knight grasped in his hands. It was suddenly so easy to breath, as though he was standing out on the balcony of his apartment or when he lay in bed with Padmé as she kissed along his face and whispered that she loved him so much (“Even with all my scars?” Anakin had asked her once. Padmé had traced the long line of the scar through his eyebrow and had felt at where he had temporarily shed his prosthetic arm, which was nothing but a wrinkled deep burned that had healed so long ago, and she had kissed at his adam’s apple, so tender and _full_ that it made Anakin’s whole body ache and curve closer to her own, and she had replied, “They’re what make you my Ani.”). It was so, so easy to breathe and he did without an issue as he stood face to face with the man who betrayed him and the galaxy at large. “Save Padmé from childbirth? You’re a fool who can’t see past his own ambitions, who cannot see what has been right in front of him. My wife will not die in childbirth, because she gave birth weeks ago. You failing to know the own woman you mentored was the day you failed.” 

The lightsaber he wielded met the Sith Lord’s, the clash reverberating inside of his stomach as Anakin hissed through his teeth and made his best attempts to _hit the damn man_. He slashed and aimed for his legs, but for an old man who Anakin had spent so many years helping walk along the halls of the Senate he was agile. Damn him. Of course he was. Quinlan Vos had yet to come back up and Aayla was standing near him as blood dripped from her forehead where she must have gotten hit from the last Force push. Master Kolar had been stabbed through his arm, but he valiantly stood tall with his good arm holding up his lightsaber and a snarl on his lips. Obi-Wan’s lip was busted, but he was otherwise safe, and he came to back Anakin up. 

“You are no longer a Jedi Anakin! You will never be a Jedi, never again! Yet you play with one of their sabers and fight by their side as though you are still one of them! You aren’t, you are nothing but someone they wish to use for their own sake!” Sidious yelled as their sabers clashed and Anakin couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips. 

“And? As though that isn’t why you’ve spent this whole kriffing time pleading me to kneel and pledge my life to you! Or have you been trying to corrupt me and my mind for another reason? _Dopa maskey sleemo_ ,” Anakin snarled out in return. The Jedi may have wanted him to stay in the Order to keep him fighting, but this was not the same as that. This was Anakin fighting for what was truly right- for the lives Sidious had taken everyday the war went on, for his wife and children who were back home and who he may never see again. No matter. He was fighting by the side of his brother, for his wife who had kissed his mouth so soft and sweet as he had left their home strapped to the teeth, for his little tooka-cat Leia and his sweet little Luke who had wrapped him in their loving presence within the Force as he had ran a hand through their soft hair. He was fighting for them. For Ahsoka who had cuddled close to him and had messaged him just the other day to tell him she missed him. For Rex and the rest of the 501st who stood by his side for so long it was odd not to have them here. Anakin raised his lightsaber to try and hit Sidious, only for a large Force push to knock him and everyone else to the floor. Air momentarily left his lungs and Anakin heaved. 

“You are making a grave mistake Anakin Skywalker, for aligning yourself with the Jedi. This will be your undoing.” Sidious stepped forward, closer and closer, and Anakin could feel that Windu was out cold and Aayla and Obi-Wan were struggling to get up. Master Kolar was breathing heavily and crawling with one arm towards them from across the room. Anakin raised a hand slightly. “Jedi Knight Skywalker, that is what my Empire will remember you as, nothing but a traitor who failed.” His foot kicked the lightsaber out of Anakin hand, the blade rolling uselessly away. 

Anakin glanced up and met Sidious’s glowing eyes, yellow and disturbing, and breathed in. “My name is Anakin Amidala and I am _not_ a Jedi Knight nor am I your Sith apprentice.” He reached out into the Force and the slugthrower he had strapped to his ankle came to his hand. The weight was different from a blaster, the shape a little odd, but Anakin pulled the trigger. Sidious lifted his lightsaber, as Anakin knew he would, and Anakin closed his eyes and rolled away as Sidious cursed and yelled- the shrapnel of the durasteel had hit him in the face. Anakin rolled onto his back and kicked himself up, calling the green lightsaber to his hand. “Will you stand down, or will you die in agony?”

The man was a pathetic sight, clutching at his face, bleeding dark red blood and cursing and trying to yell at Anakin in the middle of his pain, threatening him and Padmé and Obi-Wan and the whole Jedi Order and yelling for the clones, for them to follow his orders like they were meant to, but there were no clones nearby and Anakin knew what he had to do. He met Obi-Wan’s eyes as he struggled to sit up, bright red blood dripping in his beard. “He will not back down, do what must be done,” his brother said, quiet compared to Sidious’s cries, but loud nonetheless to Anakin’s ears. 

Anakin breathed in, pulled his arms back, and striked out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how to write action sooooo hope that was good??? I like emotions I can write those lol ALSO Obi-Wan, Windu, Quin, and Kolar had totally yelled crap at Palpatine, but lets be real Anakin is so in his head and preoccupied it all flies over his head. This is his mind and his story and what anyone else says doesn't really matter to him lol
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed! I wasn't sure about it, but I do like the ending! Tell me what you think <3


	6. i just need you by my side tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "Jupiter" by Flower Face
> 
> here's a short final chapter to this story I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you all enjoyed reading this. Love you all <3

The twins wriggled uncomfortably in Anakin’s arms and he knew that unlike most of the time when they were only surrounded by so few people with loving, cautious prescenes to envelop them, Anakin could feel that the Senate, so loud and full to the brim and with voices yelling and calling out in dread as they watched the hologram of Darth Sidious- their former Chancellor who, despite any differences in the delicate world of politics, they had seen as a good man who believed in their democracy. Yet, there he was, the man that had once stood in front of them and plastered on a smile and pretended to  _ care _ . 

Anakin watched as the blue distorted image of himself pointed a blaster towards Sidious, who held a lightsaber and had a snarl curling his lips into a face once unimaginable of the man Anakin believed he knew. A warm hand pressed against his shoulder and Anakin glanced at Obi-Wan, who stood there with only a slightly busted lip and a bruised eye that he had yet to get some forced medical treatment of in the chaos of the day. Without a word said between the two of them, Obi-Wan took Leia into his arms and held her close to his body as he rocked her and hummed a song that had been long forgotten in the back of Anakin’s mind. He hadn’t heard Obi-Wan hum the song in years, an old tune he would hum whenever Anakin skinned his knees or couldn’t sleep, soft and full of heart. Anakin closed his eyes and rocked back and forth, back and forth, with Luke settling in his arms as Anakin’s own emotions subdued. 

“In the wake of Palpatine’s deception,” Master Windu said, somber and quieting the members of the Senate as they latched on to his soothing deep voice, “the Jedi Order has come to face reality. Palpatine, the Sith Lord Darth Sidious, had deceived us by beginning this war for his own dark intentions. But, further than this, he had deceived his way into the Order. The Jedi are peacekeepers who maintain balance, yet we let ourselves become corrupted by Sidious and his war. The Jedi will continue aid in the efforts and in discovering what the Sith have done to the clones, but once the war has ended, the Order will no longer be the soldiers to the Republic.” Anakin opened his eyes and watched as Mace Windu stood firm. 

It was true. The Jedi had been played. They had turned into the very thing they were never supposed to be, and had done so much for the Republic that they never should have but had found themselves entangled in. Obi-Wan had kriffing changed his face and faked his death to  _ protect that damned Sith _ , all for the Republic. It was not right. Anakin didn’t like the thought, but perhaps Barriss Offee had a semblance of a point in what the Jedi Order had become.

“The Jedi Council spoke last night, after the fight. We are going to restore peace and reform the Jedi Order,” Obi-Wan spoke quietly. “I am not yet sure what will happen, but your and Ahsoka’s input would be invaluable.” Anakin glanced over at his brother, who held Leia so close, as though she was his anchor, and Anakin could feel within the Force all the calm that she radiated into him so perhaps she  _ was _ in that moment. Obi-Wan had broken down so much of himself for the Jedi Order because he believed in them. He had lost loves. Lost himself. Anakin blinked his eyes and glanced back at where Windu’s platform was moving back to dock and he to go back to the Temple once it did. 

Before Anakin could find his voice he was distracted by Padmé speaking up. There was a disheveled Sabé by her side with makeup half wiped off of her face and in a dress with the fake pregnancy stomach underneath, her face blank as she stared straight at Padmé, the both of them ignoring the way others whispered to each other. Anakin had shown up to the meeting a little after it had begun, but a part of their cries had been about Padmé herself, who so many had not quite realized had not been around for several weeks. “The arguing and the turmoil needs to cease! As much as we are all betrayed by this revelation, we cannot stay in the past, we must move forward. The Senate needs to choose a new Chancellor, someone fair and who truly has the best interest of the Republic in their mind. We have been hurt, but the only way to heal a wound is to  _ fix it _ .” Another Senator began to speak, agreeing with Padmé, only for another voice to yell out in disdain over who they could properly ever trust now.

“Come along Anakin, by the looks of it this meeting is going to take quite a while.” Obi-Wan pulled Anakin along. Anakin nodded his head slightly, before pressing a kiss to the top of Luke’s head and following his brother, who still held Leia as though she was his whole world. “The healers are looking into the clone biology, along with Master Shaak Ti on Kamino. Perhaps we can visit our men at the Temple. I’m sure Cody and Rex will welcome seeing the twins in person again.” 

The joy that had been present when the men had held the twins at the hospital had made Anakin feel so happy for days, a ball of warmth that had rolled inside of his stomach and made his smile so large. The thought made a small smile curve his lips. “Yeah, I’m sure Luke and Leia will like seeing their uncles too. Just don’t get too jealous if your favorite uncle card doesn’t fit anymore.” Obi-Wan simply laughed, a quiet sound that said  _ even though it hurts we will be fine, believe we will be fine and this feeling will pass _ . 

The speeder ride was slow and quiet, and Anakin couldn’t help but think of when he and Obi-Wan had sat in this same speeder and spoke about the names Anakin wanted to name his potential daughter, mere hours before his children were born. It had only been three weeks, yet so much had changed from that day. Anakin was a father. He was no longer a Jedi Knight. He was a brother. He was in fact the Chosen One who brought a balance to the Force. Anakin breathed in and hummed the song that Obi-Wan had been humming just minutes ago, and he found the words that until then he had not known: “ _ the sun sets along the edge of our hearts, so far, so joyous, to hug us close in these final moments, do not worry my sweet son, do not worry of the days to pass and the days you have seen, for the half-light with its purple hue will keep away the foreboding sensation that tickles your toes _ .” Anakin wondered if these words were the ones Obi-Wan had never sung aloud, words he made for Anakin as a child, words that never made it past his mouth but were there for him nonetheless. He met Obi-Wan’s eyes and watched how his lips trembled as he held Leia close and Anakin knew he was right.

A tear made a trail down his cheek, but it wasn’t sadness or fear that brought it, it was the overwhelming sudden bliss that spread throughout his bones and a realization that he had so much in his life, and they were still here. His wife, his brother, his sister, his children, his best friends. They were alive and he had walked the path of light, so buoyant and strong, to keep them in his life. 

When they arrived at the Temple, Rex held Luke close and marveled at how much he had grown and smoothed at his blonde hair while Obi-Wan sat next to him with his head resting against the man’s bicep. Cody laughed and made noises at Leia, who made them right back and stared up at him with her round brown eyes. Anakin knew that children never did very well with people they were not familiar with, but his children seemed to remember the touches of their uncles they had not seen in person since their birth, and welcomed them as they welcomed Obi-Wan. They helped Anakin feed the children their bottles and laughed as they did their best to burp the little babies. Other clones came to see Anakin’s children and to clasp his shoulder as their own shook from coming back from brain scans from the healers. 

“Nobody’s quite sure what it is that the damned  _ dar’jetii _ was up too with us, but General Shaak Ti apparently thinks it may have to do with the chips we have implanted in our heads. Everyone’s getting checked to see if we have one, but Tup and Fives volunteered to get theirs removed and researched.” Cody explained as another clone walked off, their shoulders slumped and tears dried on their face. “The fact that Palpatine thought he could  _ use  _ us… it’s hit us all hard. We were meant to be protectors, to stand side by side with the Jedi, yet the Sith infiltrated us without anyone having a fekking clue.”

“No longer. This war is ending, Grievous and Dooku will be brought down, and you all will have the freedom you deserve.” Anakin answered with a tight smile as he tossed Leia’s dirty diaper into a nearby trash chute to be incinerated. Cody eagerly accepted Leia back in his arms, as though he had not cringed and scrunched up his nose in disgust over her dirty diaper not five minutes beforehand. Everyone loved a baby, but couldn’t deal with the realities of changing a diaper. “This wasn’t exactly how I pictured this all happening, and definitely not so soon.”

“I can’t believe  _ you’re _ the one who essentially ended the war. You’re nothing but an overqualified civilian now yet you did what you always do,” Rex said with a smile. His fingers smoothed at Obi-Wan’s hair as the man slept, so soundly and undisturbed despite their conversation, Luke napping on his back on top of Obi-Wan’s chest. There was something so soft in Rex's eyes and Anakin wondered why he was only just now realizing how much his former Captain loved his brother. There was an odd paradox to this all- so much had changed yet everything was the same. This was always what was, but Anakin had not been able to see it. Rex loved Obi-Wan, Palpatine was a Sith Lord, Anakin was born to be the Chosen One and bring balance within the Force. So simple and true even if Anakin had never realized the truths to each statement before now. “Kriff it all up until it becomes a solid win.”

Anakin laughed, loud and clear, and enjoyed how Rex grinned right back at him.

“Ani,” Padmé quietly whispered. He could feel as her soft fingers traced the line of the scar that ran through his eyebrow and he leaned forward into her touch. Anakin opened his eyes and met Padmé’s, registering how her hair fell down her shoulders in a cascade of curls. She wore a soft pink lace bra and thin silk pants, but she did not seem to feel any chill as she sat up in bed. Their children lay between them, sleeping soundly and happily dreaming.

“You’re back.” Anakin’s voice was deep with sleep, and his eyes were still very much tired, but he blinked at her and grabbed her hand to kiss at her wrist, her palm, her fingers. So much had happened and Anakin felt like it had been months since he had last seen her, last kissed her. He cherished each kiss he pressed to her skin. “That took a while. Is the Senate in agreement?” 

“Bail is our new Chancellor.” Padmé yawned out. Anakin hummed. Senator Organa was a good, fair man and many people liked and respected him, even other Senators who held different viewpoints than him. He would make a good Chancellor. The Senate did well to choose him, there was no way Bail Organa would waver in his ideals of the Republic and he would consider every side of a situation. “How were the twins?”

Anakin hummed again. “Good. Spent some time in the Temple with Cody and Rex. Lots going on.” He paused for a moment before kissing at her palm again and asking, his lips brushing against her hand as he spoke, “Let’s sleep. It’s been a long two days.” 

Padmé laughed quietly, such a beautiful sound it made Anakin’s whole body feel warm. “You took off your arm.”

He had. Once the children had fallen asleep, Anakin had carefully taken off his prosthetic arm, something he had not done in so, so long. He had grown used to the mechanical arm in the years he had it- it was quite literally an extension of him- but it was a relief to take a breath and think  _ I have nowhere to be, nothing to run out towards I’m home and we’re all safe _ . And they were. They were safe. So Anakin had taken off his mechanical arm because even without it he was whole. He was home and his family was here as well. Anakin smiled at Padmé, so happy and sleepy and in love with her and this life of theirs, and her breath hitched. “I love you.”

Padmé whispered, “I love you Ani. Sleep well my love.” Her hand pressed against his cheek, warm and soft, and her lips pressed against his nose, her breath warm on his face as she pulled away. Her hand stayed at his waist as they drifted off to sleep. He dreamt of rolling green hills, of flowers that his fingers tied together in long brown hair that curled, of laughter that shook his shoulders and hurt his stomach, of something so carefree, so beautiful and light, it made him smile even in his sleep. 

Never before had he felt such a lightness within himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think! It's crazy that when I began this fic I was barely on like season 2 of tcw and now I only have two episodes left (IM SO SCARED). I have plans to write a little one shot that involves Ani and co visiting Naboo to see Padmé's family so I did turn this into a series! 
> 
> I remembered while writing this last chapter that I had wanted to write Anakin telling Palpatine during his fight "May Leia swallow you whole" and I'm sooo sad I forgot but oh well! I like the 'Anakin Amidala' line he had so it's fine. Let's see... I didn't mean for the Rex/Obi-Wan mentions, but damn I accidently wrote it in chapter 2 and was like :o alright no going back. The beginning of this fic I mentioned Fives and Echo bc I was like only a season in BUT like last chapter I decided that this fic was compliant up to season 5 though without Echo "dying." Chapter 5 is alternately titled 'motherfucker don't fuck with me' from "Warm Coke" by Valiant Vermin. Not mentioned but Padmé totally pegs Anakin lmao okay I think that's it <3333 thanks for reading I love you all
> 
> OH! I also have plans to write a modern au firefighter!anakin and florist!padmé if anyone is interested. It's gonna be soft :')

**Author's Note:**

> I hope to have the next chapter up next week, and since next week is my "spring break" I may achieve that goal! Thank you so much for reading <3


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